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But for as long as this charade lasted, he wanted it to be more than simply a charade. He wanted it to be more...real. He wanted her.
Worse than that. He wanted to know her.
‘What is it?’ Alex touched his arm and he realised she must have repeated the question at least once.
He shouldn’t answer. He should shrug it off. He certainly shouldn’t indulge this fantasy of his of getting to know her as if they were in the kind of real relationship he’d always studiously avoided in the past.
‘What is it about the view that so enraptures you?’
‘I don’t know.’ She frowned, taking a step away from him. ‘What is it usually about such a magnificent sight?’
Defensive. Just the way he’d surmised.
‘When I was a kid my mother used to say that views like these made her feel as though the world was spread at my feet for the taking. That, standing in front of it like this, she believed I could do anything.’
‘You’re a Delaroche, the world is yours for the taking,’ Alex countered, but her words lacked any real heat.
‘I couldn’t control everything, though,’ he said quietly. ‘Any more than you could with your brother. Jack, did you call him?’
A momentary pang of guilt made its way through Louis as he watched her turn stiffly back to the window, her fingers braced against the glass as she stared out mutely.
‘Do you volunteer at Rainbow House because you want to, or because you feel you somehow owe it to your father?’
‘Because I want to, of course,’ she snapped automatically.
He didn’t bite, but neither was he about to let her off that easily.
‘Is that really all there is to it?’
Her knuckles paled as she pressed her fingers down harder. As though some internal battle was going on in her head. Louis could imagine what it was only too easily.
‘Perhaps a bit of both.’ The admission came through gritted teeth.
‘You feel responsible for your father’s happiness? Responsible for Jack’s death?’
‘It’s complicated.’
‘It often is.’ He couldn’t explain why his heart twisted for her. ‘But it doesn’t always have to be.’
Her head was fixed away from him, her gaze trained on the vista below. But he would lay a bet she wasn’t seeing any of it. Not a single building, or road, or tree. The haunted expression hovering over her beautiful profile betrayed her otherwise calm exterior.
‘You don’t understand.’
‘So enlighten me.’ He knew he was pushing. He couldn’t seem to help himself. ‘I can refute as many clichés as you can come up with, Alex.’
And then she smiled. A soft half-smile that looked more sad than anything else. But she turned her head and she finally looked at him.
‘Jack was my older brother. He was diagnosed with diamond blackfan anaemia aged two. They tried other treatments that didn’t work. I was conceived shortly afterwards in the hope that my stem cells would save him.’
‘You were a saviour sibling,’ Louis realised abruptly.
‘Back before the time when embryos could be checked for compatibility. It was a leap of faith for my parents.’
‘Alex, I had no idea.’
‘It didn’t pay off,’ Alex continued, as though she hadn’t heard him. ‘Once I was born they carried out the tests and found I wasn’t a match. Jack died seven years later.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply.
