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As Kat had bustled about the resus bay with the rest of the team, trying to hook up the monitors to the little girl, who had been lying so still and silent on the enormous black gurney, Carrie had reached out with her chubby hand and had gripped Kat’s hand tightly.
So tightly. Even now, if Kat closed her eyes, she could almost feel Carrie’s tiny fingers clutching her thumb, as surely as if the little girl had reached into her chest and stolen Kat’s very heart.
Love. The purest, most selfless, most beautiful thing. It made a person whole. It made them soar. It made them move heaven and earth for the thing they loved with all their heart.
Which was why, when she’d realised that social services were removing Carrie from the parental home, Kat had pulled in every favour she humanly could as an ER nurse, and as a foster parent with over four years’ experience at that point, to make sure that Carrie would be going home with her.
For three glorious years she had been Carrie’s foster mum, never daring to hope that one day she could be more than just the foster mum. She’d taught the little girl how to walk, talk, play and even just laugh. Lord, how she’d loved the sound of that little girl’s laughter.
She doubted she’d ever hear it again.
Abruptly, Kat shook her head free of the memory before the waves of bittersweetness—swelling higher and higher above her right now—could crash over her and send her splintering into pieces where she stood. A wipe-out on the floor of the busy ER—just what all the rushing doctors and nurses needed.
Get a grip.
‘Hey, I’ve got a minute before my trauma comes in.’ Gemma appeared at her elbow as Kat was preparing to transport one of her patients up to CT. ‘You okay? You look a bit...agitated.’
For a moment Kat considered telling her friend. But what would she say? That she had a crush on the hot new doc, just like everyone else? It sounded so banal. So, instead, she feigned a smile.
‘Just a bit tired,’ she fibbed. ‘And I’ve got to wait for a porter for my lady. It’s been a long week.’
‘Tell me about it.’ Gemma rolled her eyes dramatically, instantly believing her. Which only made Kat feel that much guiltier. ‘I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. Are you seeing family over the holidays?’
‘Nope, I’m working.’ Her cheeks were beginning to ache from smiling so much, and she pretended that she didn’t feel a stab of pain at the question.
‘What? All the holidays?’
‘Yeah.’ She couldn’t let anyone see what it cost her to offer such a nonchalant shrug. Even Gemma. ‘My family are scattered all over the place these days. We try to video message, but no one’s able to make any trips this year.’
And there was no need to mention that she’d run away from them when they’d most wanted to be there for her because, in some perverse way, seeing them glowing with the happiness and love of each of their own families had only made her own pain all the more acute.
She’d turned down every offer to visit because she’d just wanted to be alone. Possibly even needed to be alone. This was going to be her first Christmas in years without Carrie.
The Christmas that she’d been planning in her head before she’d got the news that she wasn’t destined to be Carrie’s new mommy after all.
Even now, the memory left her chest feeling as though it was being gripped in a vice.
Better to let anyone who could spend time with their loved ones. She just wanted to get her head down, work and not have to surface again until the whole painful season was over and done with.
‘What about that date you had with that lush doctor from...where was it... Ortho? It was a third date, wasn’t it?’
‘I cancelled,’ Kat admitted reluctantly.
‘What? No way? Why?’
‘I just...wasn’t feeling it.’
Not exactly a lie...just not the whole truth either.
‘Oh. Pity. He was cute.’ Gemma looked momentarily thrown, but regrouped quickly. ‘Oh, well, plenty more fish and all that.’
‘Right,’ she agreed, as smoothly as she could.
It was easier to tell Gemma what she wanted to hear than try to explain a reluctance Kat wasn’t sure she herself even understood. Still, by the way her friend was chuckling, Gemma had bought into it.
‘You’re incorrigible, Kat Steel. You must have more doctors running after you than any other nurse in this place, and you’re the one who goes around “not feeling it” with anyone. What was it you told me when you first came to Seattle? “Have a bit of fun? No strings, no hassle”?’
‘Yes, well.’ Kat scrunched up her face. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’
