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‘You left when I needed you most. I felt alone...deserted. I’d just buried my brother. I never thought you’d leave me like that.’
‘You needed space.’
‘I needed support!’ she cried.
‘You needed someone you trusted,’ Ben countered. ‘And after we slept together you didn’t trust me. Why should you? I’d taken advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable.’
‘You didn’t take advantage of me.’ Thea shook her head.
‘Of course I did,’ Ben spat in self-contempt. ‘You even told me that it was one of the most horrific days of your life,’ he told her.
‘You know it was,’ Thea muttered. ‘I’d just buried my brother, and yet I was getting married.’
Little wonder that her head had been a confused jumble of emotions. Even though time had passed, she still didn’t like to dwell too long on the bitter memories.
‘You told me that you’d thought us sleeping together would make it better,’ Ben recalled. ‘But that it had just made it worse.’
‘Because I’d spent those six weeks between our date and the night we slept together hoping, deep down, that you would realise your mistake in ending things. I hoped you still had feelings for me and I thought our sleeping together would help you admit it. Instead you rejected me. Again. I felt more alone than ever.’
She watched the rise and fall of his chest as he absorbed what she was telling him, part of her hoping he’d tell her that it had all been just some big misunderstanding and they could have been with each other all this time if only they’d realised.
But that was nonsense, wasn’t it? Because it hadn’t been a misunderstanding. Ben was never going to talk to her, open up to her. There was some element of survivor’s guilt too, which she couldn’t afford to underestimate. But ultimately Ben would never be able to open up to her, talk to her about his emotions.
No misunderstanding could change that.
And what about her? She’d idolised Ben even before she’d ever met him, having fallen in love with the incredible war stories of him as brave hero which Daniel had told her growing up. In her head Ben had already been extraordinary. So even if he had been able to talk to her and reveal his weaknesses would she have actually listened? Would she ever have allowed him the hopes, the fears, the disappointments of any ordinary man?
Thea couldn’t be sure. Unlike Ben, who hadn’t known her when they’d met that first night and gone on that first date, she had known exactly who Ben was. So in some way perhaps she’d brought this on herself.
Not that she could ever admit that to Ben. If he ever realised that she’d known who he was that first time they’d met and not told him he would think she’d been manipulative, that her actions had been deliberate. But they hadn’t. At worst she’d been naive, even foolish, but she had never intended anyone to get hurt.
When she’d first seen him walk into that club with his friends she’d been drawn to him, but she hadn’t realised why. Not at first. She’d watched him for a while, liking the way he interacted with his group. He’d seemed as if was having fun, but he hadn’t been rowdy, like some of the guys she’d known. She’d watched several girls approach him, and although he’d been friendly enough he hadn’t seemed overly interested in any of them.
When he’d gone to the bar she’d taken her opportunity and slipped through the crowd to join him. The ease with which they’d struck up a conversation had seemed like a sign. Even when she’d found out his name she hadn’t put two and two together, but as the evening had worn on she’d found their instant attraction developing quickly into something more—in one evening she had known she really liked him.
It had only been later that night—when he’d mentioned excusing himself from his Army buddies—that she’d asked him about his job and suddenly realised why he’d seemed so familiar to her, why she’d felt so instantly at ease in his company. She’d seen him before—in a rare photo Dan had from an early tour in Afghanistan.
Dan had told her so many stories about Ben as hero that when she’d seen him walk in—even though she might not have realised it—she’d already known he was a good guy. More than just a good guy. But she hadn’t been able to bring herself to spoil the evening or have it come to an abrupt end by telling him she was Daniel’s sister. She’d already liked him too much to risk him walking away before he had taken the time to get to know her.
Yes, she’d been foolish and naive, caught up in the myth of ‘Ben the Hero’, but she hadn’t deliberately set out to deceive anyone.
Putting Ben on a pedestal, idolising him—that had been no basis for a stable marriage. And if he hadn’t walked out on her she might never have realised how truly strong she was, how much she could achieve. She might never have become the successful, respected doctor that she was today.
In some perverse way she should be grateful to him for abandoning her. For not loving her. It was a good thing. But it didn’t feel like that.
She’d moved on a long time ago, so why did it feel as though a childhood dream, a girlish fantasy, had just died? That things were never going to be the same again? She had wanted to see Ben through his recovery in order to gain closure, but she’d never expected to gain it this way.
Well, she almost had closure—she still needed to tell him about the baby. Their baby.
But not today. Another day. When she was feeling stronger.
‘I don’t know what to say...’ Ben began. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘There’s nothing to say.’
Thea stood up abruptly. Her humiliation was almost complete and she’d brought it all on herself. She’d laid her heart out there for him and he still wasn’t able to tell her he’d really wanted her.
‘I’ve got my answer. Thank you for being honest with me.’
