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This was exactly why he needed to confront things. Put a stop to this unwelcome lust now.
‘I’ve made you some breakfast, by the way. Plus I bought you two fresh cartons of cranberry juice. Can I get you a glass?’
She looked around the room, her eyes scanning everything, her nose sniffing appreciatively and her stomach offering a low grumble despite her reservations.
‘Well, it’s not cereal,’ she quipped, clearly attempting to meet him halfway.
He couldn’t help being surprised—and pleased. He hadn’t thought it would be so easy to convince her.
‘Pancakes,’ he confirmed, gesturing to the array of syrups, jams and fruit he’d bought. ‘Listen, Thea, I need you to know how sorry I am. This is all new to me. I know how to be a good field surgeon, I know how to be a good commander, and I know how to be a good soldier. But I don’t know how to do this...’
‘Normality?’ Thea suggested when he floundered.
‘Domesticity,’ Ben confirmed. ‘I’m out of my comfort zone. I’m sorry if this seems corny to you, but this is me trying to make amends.’
‘So you made pancakes?’ She raised her eyebrows, sliding in at the breakfast bar and watching him slide a fluffy disc from the pan onto a plate. ‘I didn’t even know you could cook.’
‘I like to eat—the two go together. Besides, pancakes aren’t really cooking.’ He shrugged, grateful for her acceptance. ‘But they’re my Achilles’ heel—especially with maple syrup, a handful of berries and dollop of cream. They’re why I have to train so much—just so that I can keep eating.’
He tapped his chest, as if to prove his point, and saw Thea let her gaze drop over his body. She snatched her eyes away, two spots of colour flushing her creamy, smooth cheeks.
She was still attracted to him despite what she’d said last night, he realised abruptly.
His reaction was instantaneous and he shifted uncomfortably. This was what he had to avoid. He’d allowed his desire for her to drive his actions once before, and he’d ended up having to walk away from her, having to—what had she said?—abandon her. And nothing had changed. He still couldn’t give Thea what she needed, provide emotional support the way she wanted. He was still broken—perhaps now more than ever. He could never be the man Thea deserved.
He was stalling. If he didn’t speak now would he allow himself to back out?
‘I owe you an apology,’ he said quickly. ‘The things you said at the park the other day...’
‘Oh, Ben, please don’t...’ She backed up immediately, waving her hand around as if she was trying to swat a fly. ‘Could we just pretend all that never happened—?’
‘No.’ He interrupted her embarrassed stuttering firmly. ‘You were honest and open yesterday, but I wasn’t. I’m sorry.’
She narrowed her gaze uncertainly at him, her voice tentative. ‘What weren’t you honest about?’
‘You asked me what I meant by liking you too much, and if the Buddy Code was just an excuse. I didn’t give you a straight answer.’
‘No, you didn’t,’ she said nervously.
‘I think maybe it was an excuse.’
Simple. Direct.
He would have needed a serrated knife to cut the tension. He hated this kind of conversation, talking about his feelings, but if they were going to get past their baggage he needed to make himself do this. Just this once.
‘I should have told you that the night I first met you—that one spontaneous date—you made me feel the most alive and yet the most relaxed I’ve ever felt outside of a field hospital.’
‘Coming from you, that’s quite a compliment,’ Thea murmured, pouring herself some juice.
‘It might not sound like it, but it is,’ Ben told her. ‘That was the only place I’d ever felt comfortable. As though I belonged and was happy. Until I met you. You had me telling you things I’d never told anyone before...about my childhood...my mother...’
‘You miss her,’ Thea said simply.
Ben felt his jaw lock. He never said the words—even in his head. It was difficult even hearing someone else say them. Still, he forced himself to nod.
‘Yes. But we never talk about her—my father and I. We don’t do this...touchy-feely stuff.’
He pulled a face. This incredible woman had lost both her loving parents at such a young age, and yet she still believed in love. How could he explain to her that the relationship between his parents had been so different? Even before her death his father’s too-serious nature had stifled his mother’s vibrant spirit. After she had died the last fragile threads of the relationship between Ben and his father had been irreparably ruptured.
