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‘I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever met,’ he said quietly. ‘Not just aesthetically, but on the inside, too. You were fun, impetuous...you had a vibrancy about you which was wonderfully infectious to all those around you. You made everyone want to be near you, to be part of your group.’
He’d been on a rare night out with some other officers—at a crowded bar—when Thea had slipped into the space beside him. They’d started talking casually and that had been it—he’d never felt such an inexorable attraction to a woman before. He’d excused himself from his group as soon as he’d been able to, just to spend the rest of the evening in Thea’s company.
‘Oh...’
She sounded let down, and he knew why. She thought he’d understood her better.
He hesitated, then conceded. ‘At least that’s what you wanted people to see. But beneath that veil there was a quietness, almost a shyness about you when you thought no one was watching you. Judging you. I assumed it was a defence mechanism you’d created after your parents had died, to stop people asking if you were all right.’
‘Really? You saw that?’
Her evident pleasure that he’d seen a part of her others had been only too happy to ignore made him want to kiss her and berate her all at the same time. And that was the damned problem.
‘So the next day, when you told me we couldn’t see each other any more...?’ She hiccupped, clearly torn between not wanting to say the words and needing to know the truth. ‘You didn’t have feelings for me anymore?’
How was he supposed to answer that? From the moment they’d met he had been hooked. This spellbinding young woman had persuaded him to take her to a funfair. There had been a small group of them—Thea’s friends—but he hadn’t even noticed them after the first few minutes. He had only seen Thea.
They’d hurled leather balls at the coconut shy, laughed their way through the hall of mirrors and shared an incredible, intense first kiss at the top of the Ferris wheel.
In most of his life—even much of his childhood—Ben had never felt as happy and free of responsibility as he had that evening with Thea. And he’d known even then that she had an ability to make him fall for her such as no other woman ever had.
And now she wanted to know why he’d walked away from her. What could he say? He owed her something. Perhaps a variation on the truth was the safest option.
‘We’re just...weren’t a good match. I’m sorry, Thea.’
Her body seemed to curl even more into his arms and he felt worse than ever. But it was a necessary lie...no, a half-truth... They weren’t a good match. Ben could recall tantalising glimpses of a real inner confidence and a love of life, rippling constantly beneath that artificially shimmering, vivacious exterior. He had seen them from the beginning. She was the kind of person who made people feel good, want to bask in her warm glow for ever.
He wished he could be the kind of person who made her feel good, who could inspire that hidden side of Thea.
Instead he knew that he was the kind of person who would eventually extinguish that dancing light in her soul. If he was the kind of man his father had been he would drag Thea down, as his mother had been dragged down. What kind a life would that be for a woman like Thea?
He’d known as he’d walked her home that night, wondering at the way she had made him feel about her after just one incredible date, that he needed to walk away from her before he did hurt her. But he hadn’t been able to. Even as he’d walked up the pathway to her ground-floor flat his head had been telling him one thing whilst his heart had been making plans to take her out the next day. Imagining a future with her.
And then Dan had opened the door and demanded to
know what the hell Ben was doing with his sister.
Dan—the guy who’d had his back through countless tours of duty. The buddy who would have given his life for Ben, and for whom Ben would have sacrificed his own.
Only Dan had and Ben hadn’t.
So, just like that, the woman he had thought he might actually be able to fall in love with had been off limits. Still, Ben had to wonder whether Dan had been the real reason that he’d walked away from Thea.
Or just the excuse.
He could have fought for her. The thought slid, unbidden, into his mind. But would that have been fair? All the women he’d dated in the past...he’d never felt strongly enough about any of them. With Thea it was different. It had been even from that first meeting. But the closer you were to someone, the more hurt you could cause. Ben had learned that from his parents. If his father had taught him anything, it was never to get close to anyone. Or let them get close to you.
It was a lesson he’d do well to remember with Thea.
Lost in his own dark thoughts, it took Ben a while to realise that she was asleep. He heard her breathing ease and deepen, felt her heartbeat drop to a slow, rhythmic pulse. And for the first time in a long time—with Thea still wrapped in his arms—Ben fell into a deep, restful sleep of his own.
He woke to the sound of an unfamiliar phone alert. A text? An email? Not wanting to wake Thea, Ben squinted through the curtains to the darkness beyond. Years of field experience told him it had to be around four in the morning.
Nevertheless he felt her stir beside him, felt her raise her head up and then reach across him for her phone. He felt the skim of soft breasts and lacy fabric against his bare chest and fought to stop his body’s primal reaction. He didn’t stand a chance.
Thea froze.
For a moment Ben vacillated. Should he apologise? Leave? She had wanted him there, to comfort her. She had trusted him. Such a base reaction was the ultimate betrayal of that trust. He had no doubt she would consider it as unexpected as it was unwanted.
