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‘Why tell me all this?’ Elle asked, her curiosity finally getting the better of her.
Janine shrugged.
‘I’m not sure. Guilt, I suppose. I’ve been carrying it around with me all this time, wondering how Fitz is doing. I followed his career for a while but I knew he had a reputation for never getting involved with anyone. Then I stopped. I realised I wasn’t doing myself any favours refusing to let go of the past. When I saw you in here, I don’t know... I guess I thought it was my chance to make amends.’
‘Ironic,’ Elle mused softly.
‘What is?’
Elle hesitated, wondering whether it was wise to say anything else, then deciding that it was the least she could do after Janine had been so painfully honest with her.
‘I could be wrong, but I have a feeling Fitz wanting to be the one to personally take charge of this mission and accompany your convoy is as much about making amends to you and ensuring your safety as it is about ensuring the generator’s safety. Maybe he feels he owes you, maybe it’s about closure.’
‘He doesn’t owe me anything,’ Janine answered quietly. ‘But I’ll happily take the closure. So what about you? What are you going to do now?’
Elle was spared any response as a young corporal appeared at the tent door, breathing hard from running.
‘Major Billings, Colonel Fitzwilliam told me to inform you that his vehicle is ready when your convoy is cleared to go.’
‘Understood.’ Janine nodded, turning to Elle as she slid off the bed. ‘Am I clear to leave?’
‘You seem fine,’ confirmed Elle.
‘Okay, well...as to the other thing, good luck.’
Elle watched as the woman hurried away. The silence only emphasised the way her heart was beating out a tattoo and the blood was rushing in her ears.
Fitz was just as damaged as he’d tried to tell her, but she hadn’t listened. She hadn’t really understood. Now she knew more, and she understood better. If she crowded Fitz then she was only going to compound the issue. Especially when her own insecurities were still so close to the surface. She hadn’t realised, until she’d seen Fitz and Janine in that first instant and had felt that surge of jealousy that had been so absent when she’d walked in on Stevie, that she’d never allowed herself to heal.
Not just from the obvious pain of being cheated on by her fiancé, but because she’d never allowed herself to mourn the boy who had saved her from the misery of her teenage years as he’d turned into a man she hadn’t recognised. Hadn’t even liked.
Until she allowed herself to repair a decade of a mentally draining relationship, how could she possibly dive into another one with Fitz? They both needed time to heal, to work out who they were, to go into any new relationship without unnecessary baggage from their respective pasts.
But a tiny part of her was terrified to leave things as they were with Fitz. Because if she walked away, he could close the door on her that final inch and she’d never be able to get back in.
She had absolutely no idea what to do.
Chapter Fifteen
FITZ TOOK OUT the piece of paper for the hund
redth time since he’d found Elle’s address and jotted it down.
He didn’t think he’d ever forget the despair that had scraped at his insides when he’d discovered she’d spent her last few days at Razorwire and had left without a word.
As though he’d meant nothing.
As though they’d meant nothing.
He’d sworn to himself that he wouldn’t follow her. That if she walked away he would let her go. But it had felt so different when it had actually happened.
He’d thrown himself back into his work, into the mission, but at every turn he had been reminded of Elle. Brigade had been more than pleased with the progress they’d already made on the hospital and he’d been forced to remember that much of it had been down to Elle’s expertise on the layout, her ability to communicate the hospital’s needs, and her capacity for compromise with the engineering priorities. The fact that they had clicked so easily together, working as such a good team, only made it all the harder to push aside the memories of her.
The day he’d received the details of his R&R flight home, he’d known he had to find Elle. To speak to her. To convince her that they should at least try to see if there wasn’t some future for them.
And now he was minutes from landing, and it was time to decide whether to bin the address and let her get on with her life, or visit in the hope of...what? Convincing her to try a relationship with a man who didn’t have the faintest idea of how a real one should work? A man who was more than likely going to hurt her despite his best intentions because, when it came to love, his best wouldn’t be enough?
Fitz closed his eyes and waited for the plane to begin its final descent, the weight of hope, expectation and uncertainly all pressing down more intensely on his shoulders than even the heaviest of military packs. When the plane finally landed, he still had no idea what he should do. Losing her from his life had been unbearable even for the short time since she’d finished her tour of duty, but convincing her to risk more of herself only to lose her permanently, and no doubt crush her in the process, was unconscionable.
