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By the time I made it back to Scarlett’s room, the nurse had already helped her out of bed, to the bathroom, and she was sitting her in the wheelchair.
“Shit, I’m sorry, baby. I wanted to be back here when you got out of bed.”
Lifting her chestnut eyes to me, Scarlett tried her best to smile through the pain. Once she was seated, I could see her body relax.
“I had her stand up as straight as she could. It’s best to stretch the incision while she is still somewhat numb.”
Snarling, I replied, “Ouch.”
Scarlett shook her head and added, “Numb, my ass.”
Then she let out a breath and focused on me. “Did you take a picture of her?”
My eyes darted to the nurse and then back to Scarlett.
“Yes. Baby, I need you to be prepared when you see her. She’s hooked up to a lot of things.”
Scarlett nodded. “I asked for my phone and started to research some on premature babies once I woke up.”
“Okay, good.”
My stomach dropped a bit. Looking at pictures of other people’s babies was one thing, seeing your own was going to be different. After I left the NICU I headed into the men’s restroom and sat in a stall for a few minutes and cried my fucking eyes out all over again. It felt good to get it all out, and I knew at some point, Scarlett was going to need to do the same thing. For now, the only thing I could do was be by her side.
“May I see the pictures?” Scarlett asked.
I hesitated, not sure what to do. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and walked over to her. I pulled up the one and only picture I’d taken of our baby. Handing my phone to Scarlett, I held my breath. She had asked for a video, but I couldn’t do it. I’d barely been able to take the picture.
She sucked in a sharp breath and then stared at the photo. Tears formed in those beautiful eyes of hers. She handed me back the phone and wiped her cheeks.
“I need to see her, Trevor. Now.”
“Okay, let’s go see her.”
No matter how many pictures I Googled, or how many things I read, nothing could have prepared me for walking into the NICU.
I tried my best to keep my emotions in check as Trevor wheeled us to the incubator that had a pink and white blanket draped over one half of it.
The name “Baby Girl Parker” was at the end and that broke my heart in a million pieces. Our daughter was hours old and didn’t have a name yet. Hadn’t felt her mother’s warm breath on her skin or heard my voice. Fear crept in.
What if she doesn’t know who I am? What if she won’t bond with me?
Trevor bent down in front of me, placing his hand on the side of my face. “Hey, don’t get in your head. I did the same thing when I first walked in here. She’s going to know it’s you. You have been her home for thirty weeks, she’s felt your love and heard your heartbeat since the moment she was a tiny gummy bear. I promise you, darlin’, she will know her momma.”
I nodded as he reached up and brushed a tear off my cheek with his thumb.
“Will you help me stand?” I asked.
“Of course, baby.”
Trevor and the nurse both helped me up. My eyes were closed as I dealt with the pain, but the moment I opened them and saw my daughter, I felt nothing but love. Everything else vanished and the only thing I felt was pure and utter love, and I wanted nothing more than to protect our child.
“Ms. Littlefield, my name is Kacy. I’m the NICU nurse who’s been taking care of your daughter.”
Smiling, I extended my hand. “It’s a pleasure meeting you. Please call me Scarlett.”
“Like I told, Trevor, we’re not only here for your baby, but for y’all as well. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me or any of the nurses on shift.”
I managed to whisper, “Okay.”
“Want to meet your daughter?” she asked, a smile on her face.
A part of me wanted to turn and run. I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly scared to death.
Then I felt Trevor’s arm around my waist and all the fear vanished. I knew with him by my side I could get through anything.
As I walked up to the incubator, I saw all the wires and tubes first. A sob slipped from my lips and Trevor held me closer.
“She’s as beautiful as her mommy.”
I looked at Trevor. He winked and leaned down to kiss me on the lips.
“It’s all going to be okay, baby. I promise. Come on, she’s been waiting for you and even though she may not physically be a part of you any longer, that connection will never be broken. She needs you now, needs to hear your voice and lie up against your heartbeat.”
