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Tilly took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t respond when you first reached out to me about your mother.”
I opened my mouth to thank her, but she shook her head and continued, “Let me finish. Honest emotional discussions are a pain in the ass, which is why I’ve gone far too long without saying all I need to say.” She drew herself up slightly. “I know I told you and your mother that I was busy with family things when you first reached out me. That I’d been nervous and conflicted about getting in contact with her.”
I nodded.
“Neither of those things was a lie. And Kelly chose to believe they were the whole truth, because she was kind and generous like her father.” Her eyes met mine. “But I know that those reasons never flew with you.”
I let out a breath. Finally, she was going to get real with me. “No. They didn’t.”
“Because you’re more like me than is ever going to be comfortable for either of us, Miller Hobbs.” She gave me a half-smile, and then she sighed. “The truth is, I hesitated because I was terrified. More terrified than I could remember being since the day I brought your mother into the world. For two reasons.” She cleared her throat. “First, I was scared of telling Harold. You see… he and I were together before he went to college. And when I found out I was pregnant after he’d left for Princeton, I had to make a hard decision… change the course of his life or let both of them go. We all know the decision I made, but when I made it, I never in a million years expected I’d meet Harold again or that he would be a political celebrity of sorts. And I certainly didn’t expect to hear from the baby I’d given up.”
She took a moment to gather her words before continuing. “Confirming to the world that Harold and I had a child out of wedlock had consequences beyond just me. It affected his reputation, his legacy, the reputation and legacy of his son. Because of them, this was never going to be a simple reunion of Kelly with her birth parents. She would be thrown into the spotlight on an international stage whether she liked it or not. And she was.”
Tilly spoke the truth. When the story had come out, reporters had swarmed to our doors, begging and harassing. Harry had been forced to arrange private security just so we could come and go without being bombarded.
She kept going. “The idea that I would introduce that kind of scrutiny onto her in her final days was abhorrent to me. But I also knew Harold deserved to know, that he deserved to make his own choice finally.” Tilly paused and finally shrugged. “Once he insisted on seeing her, that was that. I couldn’t save her—or you—from what happened next with the reporters.”
I held back from snapping at her by taking a breath first. “She didn’t care. Not for a second. It was all worth it to her for a chance to meet you and get some closure. That was her choice.”
Tilly nodded slowly and ran her finger around the wedding band on her opposite hand. “But the need to protect people isn’t an easy thing to turn off, is it?”
I opened my mouth, then shut it again. “No,” I admitted softly. “Not for me either. Especially protecting my mom.”
She gave me a small, conspiratorial smile, and I blew out a breath. She and I really were more alike than I’d thought.
“But even after your grandfather knew about your mom,” Tilly went on, “I still couldn’t bring myself to go see her. Because I was still terrified.”
I scowled. “Of what? She didn’t want anything from you, you know. She just wanted to get to know you—”
“Exactly!” Tilly exclaimed, throwing her hands up and letting them flop back down into her lap. “Jeez, Louise, can you even imagine? Kelly was my girl, Miller. My precious daughter. My one and only child. I saw her for precisely one minute after she was born. That’s all the time they gave me. For the sixty shortest seconds ever recorded, I held this tiny, fragile being who was part me and part Harold, and I loved her so much, so goddamn much, that I knew I’d move mountains and slay dragons if she needed me to. It killed me that the thing she needed from me most was to let her go. But I never stopped loving her. Not for a single moment of her existence. And I never will. Not for a single moment of mine.”
She swallowed hard, clenched her hands into fists, and went on firmly, “I always tried to be the sort of person she’d be proud of, if she ever came looking for me. To be a good person… But you don’t get to be my age without causing the occasional scandal, or breaking some hearts, or stirring up trouble. So I wondered, what if I met her and she didn’t like me? What if she regretted getting in touch with me at all? What if she’d built me up to be someone sweet and shy and motherly, the kind of person I’ve never been in my life, and I disappointed her?” Tilly shook her head. “I tell you, I haven’t given a crap what anyone thought about me since the Nixon administration, but suddenly, I was shaking in my boots. And to top it all off, all I could think was… Tilly, if you fell in love with your daughter that much in sixty seconds. If it was that hard to give her up as a baby, how much harder will it be to lose her now?”
