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“Can’t do it,” Elena says with a disappointed sounding sigh. “When we go to the bar with Lolo and Sam I’m going to treat myself to a drink or two. The calories add up. I can’t get off course going into this last season.”
I hate when she deprives herself of food that she loves. I don’t know why it bothers me since it’s not as though she starves herself—she’s got curves and she’s strong and sexy as fuck—but it does. It’s admirable that she’s so hardcore about maintaining an exact weight because of cheerleading, but sometimes I’d like to see her eat without worrying about it.
"I'm going to whip up our plates while you get ready for our SamLo time," I say as I turn and head for the door. After leaving, I close it behind me and let out a deep breath, silently giving thanks that I survived having a nearly naked Elena within touching distance. Lolo and Sam would tell me that my self-control is beyond stupid at this point, but I disagree. As much as I value their opinions, they're wrong about trying to push me toward Elena before she graduates.
Lolo (short for Lauren) and her wife Sam (short for Samantha) have been my best friends since further back than my memory even goes, which is to say we were hanging out in our cribs together. We grew up in the same neighborhood, so we've always been a trio. For years people would joke that I'd end up with one or the other, but I've known since at least ninth grade that they were going to wind up together—even during the hard times when they were both trying to pretend they weren’t gay. As my longest and dearest friends, there aren't any secrets between us. Not because we haven't each tried to be secretive about a thing or two, but because we see through each other. This means they are well aware of my Elena obsession. I'd been fairly certain they'd tell me I was insane once they figured it out, but that didn't happen. Instead, they’re both supportive of it. Whether because they both adore her or because they’re sappy-ass romantics at heart, I don’t know.
Elena is a one-in-a-million-girl, the kind people search for and never find. She’s gorgeous, compassionate, kind, smart and she makes me laugh like no one else. The future I want has her in it—at the very center of it—and there’s nothing I won’t do to make that happen. The plan—and I'm trying to stick to it—is to wait until Elena graduates college before I make my play for her. I've been damn firm about that until this afternoon in the kitchen when I almost buckled. Without a doubt, I know that the second we see Lolo and Sam at the bar their Colin-radar is going to ping like crazy. I already know I’ll be forced to explain just how close I came to caving in today before the end of the night.
College was where I sowed my wild oats, and I know it was a fundamental transition for me between being eighteen and being a fully functional adult. Trying to tie Leni down would've meant depriving her of the experience, and as much as it has killed me, I believe she needed that. I also didn't think getting into what would primarily be a long-distance relationship with her would've been right. I'd have burned with jealousy sitting in my apartment one state over while she spent her days with frat boys. No, the right thing to do is to let her enjoy all of that without having to worry about a thirty-something boyfriend.
I’ve come this far—it won’t be much longer now. Only one more school year separates me from making my play for her. The way I feel about her isn’t small or temporary—if she’ll have me I mean to make this permanent. Less than a year now, I remind myself. As I head down the stairs to the kitchen I chant I think I can; I think I can in my head.
For the first time in the two years since I realized how deeply I feel for her, I’m not sure I believe that chant anymore. My once iron will is cracking by the hour.
5
Elena-Now
My stomach is in knots as I pull down the drive at Nanny and Pop’s house and park my car next to Colin’s black Jeep Grand Cherokee Trailhawk. This is the first time I’ve been to the house since the day things blew up and I left in a huff, which also means it’s the first time I’ve been here since the days following the funeral. The emotion of knowing that Nanny and Pop won’t be inside is colliding with the anxiety of having to see Colin again and both are making me feel less prepared to deal with this.
