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Oh.
“I wish I could walk away from you, not worry about you. Not love you. Not want to be around you, hold you, hear you laugh. Not want to see you in that ridiculous shirt you wore at Bresko’s. Because if I could, that would be the best thing for you. I can never not be a Bennett, and that’s what I’d been trying to do before. I got Melissa killed because I wasn’t accepting myself. But you’re different. It has to be different with you. I cannot lose you—not when I just got you, and…” He shuddered. “Me telling you I love you makes me feel like I’m giving you a death sentence. I should walk away from you, but I can’t. But if you walk away from me, if you decide you don’t want me, I will let you go. That’s the only gift I can give you.”
He told me he loved me by telling me he wished he didn’t love me.
It would be funny except for how true it was, and how haunted he’d looked as he said it.
I knew he’d spoken the truth.
“Did they find out who the guy was?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah,” he rasped. “It was a rival family. Kai told me they wanted payback for something he did, but I can’t tell you anything more. With this family, the less you know, the better. Trust me. That’s where I’m coming from. You want that?” He shook his head, his eyes searching mine. “You can’t want that. You can still walk away from me, from this life. You should do that. You should want to do that.”
I started to shake my head.
“No, Carson. Think of your family. Your parents. Your sister,” he said. “You love me, and if we try this, I will come with you. You’re bringing that to them. I—you cannot do that.”
He was right.
He was right.
God.
I didn’t want him to be right.
He pulled away, feeling my thoughts.
I didn’t stop him.
I should’ve stopped him. Right?
He stood, then spoke so softly. “I do love you. It’s new, and I didn’t expect it, but it’s there. I love you enough to know you can’t want this life I would be giving you. We’re new, though. That’s the good thing. It’s easier to walk now than later.”
I was ripped apart.
He was yanking me in half, right down the middle.
He bent, his hands so gentle as he smoothed my hair. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, and that made everything so much worse. He was so loving.
“Everything is done. You’ll be safe from now on. When you’re ready, we’ll drive you to your parents’ house.”
He started to leave, but I grabbed his hand.
I tugged him to the bed. “Tonight.”
His eyes found mine, searching, but he nodded.
He moved back with me, both of us lying down.
Bittersweet.
That’s how the night was, being with him, his mouth on mine, moving inside of me, but knowing this was the last night. I had found my love, my person, but I couldn’t be with him.
Bitter-fucking-sweet.
I hated it.
Chapter Thirty-Two
CARSON
My sister got married.
I was there.
I didn’t remember it.
I’ve been told I gave a great speech.
I’ve been told I laughed. I smiled.
I danced.
I remembered none of it.
I wasn’t there.
I was back at that night, that bittersweet night.
I was always back at that night.
* * * *
They never knew what had happened to me the weekend before they got married. No one did. Not my parents. None of my relatives. None of my old high school friends I reunited with after the bittersweet night.
My sister went on her honeymoon.
I went back to Texas, but Tanner had told me about Milo and explained the connection. It was the nicest he’d ever been to me.
I learned Benjamin had also been killed.
The local detectives questioned me, considered it odd that I was out of town when they both died.
I didn’t know what to tell them. I had been out of town.
I turned in my resignation after I was done talking to the detectives.
Considering the circumstances, it was effective immediately.
What was next, I didn’t know.
I was always back there, with him, that same bittersweet night.
I didn’t think I would ever leave.
* * * *
I went to where she was buried.
I visited her grave.
I laid flowers there.
I told her I was sorry about what happened to her.
I told her I’d fallen in love with him, too.
I told her he was trying to do what was right for me, because he hadn’t with her.
And I asked her if she would’ve wanted that, if she had a choice.
She didn’t answer.
Chapter Thirty-Three
JONAH
Six months later
I rode the elevator up to the restaurant where Kai was waiting.
He’d called to check in after I got out of my last surgery for the day. He was in Duluth, wanting to meet. And because it wasn’t that far for me to drive, I was joining him at his newest restaurant. It overlooked Lake Superior, and everyone was talking about this place. It was the new it place to be.
