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No thank you.
One thing I’ve noticed—people with a drinking problem don’t like to drink alone. In social situations, Mom is always encouraging whoever she’s with to drink. I didn’t understand it when I was younger, but now I get it.
She doesn’t want to be the only one, and when she is, it makes her feel like the spotlight is on her. When other people drink with her, it makes her drinking feel more socially acceptable.
We make small talk. She asks me about school. I ask her about her friends. She tells me how they took a girls’ trip to the coast. I let her know how the football team is doing. We dance around other subjects, like me and Ava, or her and Ryan. My older brother barely texts her, let alone calls her, and she’s upset about it. I try to tell her Ryan’s off doing his own thing, but she won’t listen to me.
I think she enjoys being mad at him.
“Have you spoken to your father lately?” Mom asks, after the server brings us our meals. I got a cheeseburger, but I can already tell I’m not feeling it. I’m not that hungry, too fuckin’ aware of the girl still sitting in this restaurant, ruining my vibe.
I shake my head and munch on a French fry. “Not in a while.”
“He’s the worst,” she practically spits out. “Off gallivanting with other women when he should be working and spending time with his children.”
I withhold my eye roll. She’s always harping on the fact that Dad is dating other women. She hated him when they were together. She hates him more now that they’re apart. It’s frustrating.
“The children are both grown, Mom,” I remind her. “He doesn’t need to spend time with us.”
“He didn’t much when you and your brother were young either. You have to admit you’re not close to him,” Mom says.
I’m not. And we’re even more distant. We’re all distant. I tolerate Mom because she’s got no one else beyond her friends, and they have lives. They can’t coddle her all the time. Ryan doesn’t want to deal with her because she always ends up getting angry at him. I think he reminds her of Dad.
My family life sucks.
I think of the Callahans and how fucking wholesome that bunch is. They’re a family who truly love each other, and who accept each other unconditionally. I liked being a part of their family. It killed me that I couldn’t celebrate Ash’s jersey retirement with them. I didn’t even speak to her parents, too worried her dad wanted to beat my ass or her mom wanted to give me a bunch of shit for treating their daughter terribly.
It hurts, what happened between Ava and me. Losing her—and her entire family. It hurts worse that she’s sitting with Gracie across the room and I can’t talk to her.
I feel like I’m slowly dying inside.
When Mom spots the server and orders another glass of wine, I decide to let my feelings be known once he’s gone.
“You told me you weren’t drinking as much anymore,” I say, my tone accusing.
She lifts one shoulder, her expression impassive. “What’s a couple of glasses of wine?”
“For you, it’s a sign you’re probably drinking too much again,” I say.
Her eyes narrow. “Don’t you judge me. None of you are around anymore. I’m lonely. What else am I going to do?”
“Take up a new hobby? Binge watch something on Netflix? Exercise? Hang out with your friends?” I suggest. “There are a lot of other things you can do besides drink.”
She waves a hand, dismissing my words. “A little wine never killed anybody. In Europe, they consider drinking a glass of wine every day good for you.”
“That’s a glass with dinner. Not four.” Or an entire bottle, which she’s been known to do.
“I don’t need you judging me for my choices.”
“Why not? No one else does.”
A sigh leaves her. “I don’t want to fight with you, so stop. Let’s finish our meal.”
We do so in silence, and I quietly watch as Ava and Gracie leave the restaurant. Ava doesn’t bother looking in my direction. Gracie glances over her shoulder at the last second, right before she exits the place, and offers me a quick little wave.
I lift my hand in acknowledgement, hating how my stomach churns. I barely ate my dinner and I feel like I could throw it all back up.
“You look sad,” Mom says, and I realize she saw Ava leave the restaurant too. “You should try and work it out with Ava.”
