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“Look at me. Look into my eyes and tell me why you don’t want to see me anymore. Tell me what went wrong. What I did. You at least owe me that much.”
Her eyes locked on his, and her heart took a nosedive. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.”
The moment the words left her mouth, she turned and left him standing there alone.
It was the most cowardly thing she could do, and she knew it. She hadn’t given him the finality of closure, and yet, she hadn’t given him hope either. But how could she do either of those things when her mind was telling her no and her heart was screaming yes?
Her throat threatened to close. Her feet carried her past the room where she was supposed to eat her lunch while she studied. She felt lost in the sea of students as she weaved through them, having no idea who she was anymore, nor why she was there.
Maybe she was a monster like her grandfather, intent on hurting others. She couldn’t even bring herself to tell Kaden the truth. Instead, she left him hanging on a string, unbalanced and not knowing where to go. And as usual, she had shelved her feelings so she wouldn’t have to deal with them.
Just like her grandfather. The thought rang in her head—a warning bell to her weary soul.
An emptiness settled inside her chest, sinking into the pit of her stomach.
They shared the same blood, the same genes. She was a part of him, and so it stood to reason the same monster inside of him lived in her. How many times had her mother or father compared her to him?
They both found displays of emotion reprehensible and would rather set their feelings aside than deal with them. They both hid how they felt. Heck, he hid from the world for more than sixty years, and as she thought about it, maybe that’s what Abby had been doing, too. With Cammie, with her friends. Maybe it wasn’t all about family first all these years. Maybe it was easier not to share her full self with anyone but family.
If she had been in an identical time and place as he had been, faced with the same decisions, would she have made the same choices? Would she have somehow fallen into the wrong side?
Without thinking, Abby turned into Miss Mandie’s office, her guidance counselor plaque staring back at her with judging eyes as she burst inside without knocking.
Miss Mandie glanced up at her with soft, green eyes, her dark hair pulled back into a knot at the nape of her neck.
“I don’t have an appointment,” she blurted, stating the obvious.
A smile curled Miss Mandie’s lips. “Abby! I’ve been wanting you to come see me. It just so happens I’m on my lunch. Go ahead and close the door, will you?” She nodded to the door.
“I can come back.”
“Nonsense.” She shook her head. “No need. I hate eating alone. If I’m not mistaken, it’s your lunch too, right? Why don’t you eat with me?”
Abby sunk into the chair across from her. “How do you know my schedule?”
“I know a lot about the students, even the ones that avoid coming to see me,” she said, obviously referring to her, despite her lighthearted tone.
Abby brought her book bag to her lap, folding her arms over the top of it, unable to eat anything through her nerves. She hugged the bag to her chest, needing something to displace her discomfort.
“What can I do for you?” Miss Mandie asked, taking a bite of her sandwich.
Abby had no idea where to start when she barely even knew why she was there in the first place. Only knowing she had needed an escape from Kaden, from her feelings, and her incessant thoughts.
“I have a secret,” she murmured, somewhat appalled by how easily the words fell from her lips.
“Okay.” Setting her food down, Miss Mandie leaned back in her chair, counselor mask on, waiting.
“Actually, it’s kind of more than one secret.” Her thoughts flickered to Mr. Oliver and her promise to stay away from Kaden. “And I don’t know whether to keep them secret or to tell someone. How do you know when a secret is something you shouldn’t keep silent?” Abby asked, her gaze pleading.
She needed answers. She needed someone to tell her what to do, so she no longer had to choose what was right through her muddled thoughts.
Miss Mandie pursed her lips, giving Abby’s question a moment of thought before leaning forward in her desk. “It’s hard to make a determination like that without knowing more details, but I suppose, I would say, keeping the secret would be determined by whether it hurt someone. Would keeping it hurt someone more or less, in the long run, by holding it in or telling them? For example, if the secret is you discovered your friend’s boyfriend was cheating on her, and you tell her, she’ll be upset, possibly even mad at you, but she will be more upset, in the long run, if you keep it from her because she will eventually find out and then she’ll have invested even more time in this person by then. She’ll feel betrayed by you, as well, if she discovered you had known and kept quiet. But sometimes the truth is unnecessary. Sometimes it’s better kept quiet.
“For example, if your friend is at school and asks you if the outfit she chose makes her look fat, and it does, telling her the truth would only hurt her and have no benefit. She is already at school. She can’t go home and change now. Telling her would be cruel and serve no purpose other than to make her feel like crap.”
Abby moaned. None of her examples were even close to what she was dealing with. This wasn’t a bad outfit or a douchebag boyfriend.
“What if the secret is about something someone did, something terrible? Illegal. But it was a long time ago?” Abby asked, thinking of her grandfather.
