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So, I just lay in bed, for hours, my eyes glued to the ceiling while I ran through scenario after scenario of how to make this work out in our favor. Ours, not just mine. She was hurting when she left, and not because she was hurting me. She wanted to stay. She wanted to be a part of what we were building, but she was afraid of what she would be taking away from Harley if she did. I’m a selfish fuck.
My first instinct was to tell her that he only saw Robbie’s ass once a damn month for an hour. I could make that happen. I could keep that same damn routine up for the kid no matter where Robbie landed. He could live in China, and I could do better than that. I didn’t understand the damn problem.
But Harley has been spending more time with his dad over the last couple of weeks. That schedule had already changed. Harley deserved every person in his life that loved him, even the man who messed up so badly that he couldn’t be a functioning part of his life for the first six years.
I just want to be a part of his life as well, and fuck, I love the woman.
I love her. I’m in love with her.
I know that’s crazy.
I know if I told her that last night, she wouldn’t have stopped with her hand on the door like she did. She would’ve hauled ass out of here so fast, she would’ve set the carpet on fire.
It’s too soon, too fast, but damn, if it isn’t love that’s eating its way through my chest, then what the hell is it?
I know I’ve never felt it before. I know I’d live the rest of my life in misery if it meant the woman never cried another tear. I’d lay down my life right now, no questions asked, if I could guarantee her happiness, if she never suffered ever again, if Harley was provided for the way he deserved.
And then it hits me. I know what I have to do. It’ll kill me, but as they say, sometimes love hurts.
***
I’ve said a lot of things to Kincaid and the other men I work with in Cerberus over the years. Many things I regret, things I never should’ve let slip past my lips. A lot of those things I never thought twice about until someone else called me out on it.
Today, my hands won’t stop trembling as I wait for them to enter the conference room. When they do, I think about bolting, calling the entire meeting off. I’m second-guessing myself, and as a man who has always trusted his gut, this goes against my nature.
Kincaid steps in first, clapping me on the back as he walks past.
“Did you have a good Christmas?”
“The bonus was nice. Thanks for that,” I tell him.
“Of course. You guys work hard. You earned it.” He sits in his usual spot at the head of the table, waiting for the others. “Did you hear about Dominic? A little girl. Can’t believe they messed that up. Two daughters aren’t the end of the world though.”
I give him a weak smile. I know the man is just making casual conversation, but it’s the last thing I can manage with what I’m facing right now.
Shadow is next to answer. He looks utterly exhausted, but that doesn’t keep a smile from his face.
“Hey, man. Good Christmas?”
“Can’t complain,” I tell him.
Another lie. I can complain for days, but I’m a man of action. I’m not here to drag them down into my pity party. Shit needs to be done, and I need to make that happen.
Dominic is next. Not one for many words, he nods at me as he passes. Kid closes the door when he steps inside the room.
“Snatch and Itchy?” I ask.
“Itchy has a follow up doctor’s appointment,” Kincaid explains. “We can postpone until this afternoon if you need them here.”
“No. It’s fine,” I tell them, waiting for Kid to take a seat.
Kincaid leans forward in his seat. “This seems serious. Are you quitting? I don’t want to lose you. We have plans in the works to get more men on the team.”
“I’m not here about me.”
Kincaid frowns, and I know that he doesn’t miss the fact that I haven’t answered his question.
Shadow drops down in his seat in the corner of the room, and I give him time to fire up his computer. He’s going to need it for the favor I’m going to ask.
“The other night we talked about Lucy Farrow.” Kincaid nods, and I do my best to ignore the sound of Shadow’s fingers working over his keyboard. “Robbie Farrow was recently released from prison. He’s having trouble finding work in town.”
“Not much around here, especially not for an ex-con,” Kincaid confirms as he looks over his shoulder at Shadow.
