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Those last words come out in a ragged scream and it takes me a moment to try and calm down again.
“Hey, let it out,” Lenore says to me, putting her arm around me and holding me tight. I wish she was Wolf, but she’ll do.
“Will it ever feel real?” I say softly, leaning my head against her shoulder. “Because it doesn’t feel real, and I think I need it to feel real.”
Lenore thinks for a moment, silence filling the bedroom. “I don’t know. It still doesn’t really when it comes to Elle, and it certainly doesn’t when it comes to your mother. I guess it’s something that time takes care of. You just kind of shuffle through the day, sometimes thriving, and then it feels real and it hits deep and you can’t stop crying. In those moments it’s as real as it gets. And as painful.”
“I just want it to feel more real. I’m so afraid it’s going to blindside me, as if I’m not grieving enough right now.”
“I know. What made it more real for me was when September rolled around. Not only did I start thinking about university, but I started thinking about her. Then birthdays, holidays, certain things we were going to do together. The times she’s usually there but isn’t—that’s what make it real too.” She pauses and delicately wipes a wayward tear away. “But you are grieving. And it will get worse and then better and then bad. One step forward, maybe two back. But I think this is our body’s way of protecting us. It doesn’t feel real all the time because we wouldn’t be able to handle it, so it parcels it out. Like building an immunity…except you’re never immune to grief.”
“No.” I feel a burst of anger building inside, hot like lava. “Except some people think they get a free fucking pass.”
She lets out a long exhale and takes her arm off me, as if she’s afraid I’m going to explode and take her with it. “You mean Wolf.”
“Yeah, fucking Wolf. Who the hell does he think he is? He can just choose not to feel grief in the future? Fuck that. And fuck him. Fuck. Him.” I grind out those last two words until it hurts my fillings.
“You know he is feeling grief right now,” she points out delicately.
I balk, giving her a crazy look, though all I can see is her face in shadow. “Are you standing up for him?”
And, despite her face being in shadow, her eyes momentarily glow like amber lights. “He’s a friend, Amethyst. Just as you are.”
“You are standing up for him,” I practically growl.
“Look,” she says in a placating voice. “I’m the new addition to the house. I don’t know Wolf like you do, so I’m not going to pretend that I do. But I’m also going to have to point out things that you don’t want to hear, and one is that Wolf is taking your mother’s death really hard.”
My teeth clench. “That’s no excuse.”
“It kind of is.”
I stare at her, open-mouthed. “Grief does not give you a free pass to be a total asshole!”
“It kind of does.”
Okay, now I’m really fucking mad. I can barely get my thoughts straight. Why is she sticking up for him of all people?
She goes on, “Everyone reacts different to grief. To loss. To death. It’s very personal. You have to take into account so many different things, from what the relationship was that the person had with the…the deceased.” God, I hate that word. “To how they’ve dealt with other grief in their past. Wolf is reacting the only way he knows how. Out of fear. And yes, I know he’s a vampire and he’s been around for ages, and that he should know now to handle himself but, trust me, vampires aren’t perfect. They fuck up and make mistakes the same as humans. I mean, look at Solon for crying out loud.”
I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to because I’m afraid to let go of my anger. I don’t want to understand where Wolf is coming from, even though I know deep down that Lenore is right and that Wolf is hurting. He’s hurting himself as much as he’s hurting me.
But still…the anger is compelling. It takes my sorrow and smashes it down and makes it about something I can control. Anger feels powerful, grief feels weak.
“He’s throwing me away,” I say after a long pause. “He’s throwing away what we have now because he’s afraid of what he might lose later.”
“I know,” she says. “I’m not saying it’s not stupid. He’s being an idiot. But most guys act like idiots when love is on the line, don’t they? Hell, it’s a very human thing to do. Break things off now before things get too serious. I mean, you do know how serious things would get, right?”
