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“Say bye to Wyatt. You will see him again soon,” I said.
“Very soon,” Wyatt interjected.
We left a few minutes later.
When the door closed behind us, the sound rang with such finality that I felt like I had just gotten my heart broken all over again.
“What's the matter, Mommy? You look sad,” Noah asked.
I was buckling Noah into his car seat when he asked. He touched my cheek and brought my attention to the wetness there.
A tear had rolled down my cheek that I hadn’t even noticed.
“There must be something in the air. I’m okay,” I lied, quickly wiping the moisture away. My cheeks hurt from the awkward smile I gave him. “Everything is fine.”
Seconds later we drove away from Wyatt’s apartment but I knew this was far from over.
I had built this nightmare, and now I had to figure out how to fix it.
Chapter Nineteen: Wyatt
I paced my apartment long after Hailey and Noah had left.
I had watched her taillights disappear and fought the urge to call them back. There was so much we still needed to discuss. So much I felt.
For her.
For him.
I also knew that Hailey and I needed some alone time to hash this out the right way.
The turbulent mixture of emotions made it impossible for me to sit still especially when it felt like the walls of the apartment were closing in on me.
It didn’t take me long to admit to myself what the real issue was. I missed them – both of them - and not even thirty minutes had passed since they left.
The somber emotion forced my anger into the back seat and for the first time in so many hours, my thoughts weren’t fueled by the heated force of it.
I still couldn’t believe that Hailey had kept such a vital piece of information from me. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I could see her point for view – at least initially.
I had mentally tapped out after my father’s death. It was like hitting an emotional wall I couldn’t climb over no matter how hard I tried. Or how hard she tried. Dad and I had never had a great relationship and I had been resentful of the fact that he was gone for so long so often with his time in the military. To me, it felt like his squad was more his family than we were.
With his death though, I felt that I had to follow in his footsteps. To see what he saw. To do what he did. To feel what he felt. To understand why he chose his country over me and my mother.
In the end this desire had made me turn away from the woman I loved, unknowingly in a time when she needed me most.
All my anger wasn’t directed at Hailey. Some of it was directed at my God damned self. I didn’t regret my time of service but I shouldn’t have left things with Hailey the way I did.
My mind had been void of anything else but my need to join and be like my dad, so I abandoned everything else.
Was Hailey right then? Had I been in a mental space that prevented me from being the best father I could have been to Noah? Would I have tried to come back to be part of his life? Or would I have done just as my father had?
All the evidence pointed to me having done just as my father had done at the time. Did I have the right to punish Hailey for believing the evidence and going with her gut?
We would never know how things would have turned out now and all this should haves and could haves were leaving my mind in a tangled mess.
I needed to clear my head so I threw on a hoodie and sneakers and went for a run.
During the many minutes my feet hit the pavement in the rhythmic but punishing stride, I couldn’t help but notice the parents and guardians minding kids. It was something I didn’t focus on before but now their pairings were glaringly obvious.
