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“Thank you,” I said, eager to leave and sort out my jumbled thoughts in privacy.
I practically drove home from the restaurant on auto-pilot, thoughts of babies racing through my mind. Being an uncle was one thing, but being a father was something else entirely. I hadn’t even babysat Addison on my own for more than a half-hour. I had no idea what to do with babies. I may have been a doting uncle, but babies were still a foreign species, as far as I was concerned. How the hell was I going to make it as someone’s father, as two people’s father, under such unexpected circumstances?
You’re not going to have much of a choice pretty soon, a voice in my head told me. Unless, of course, she files for full custody of the twins and refuses to let you see them…
The thought literally sent a shudder running throughout my entire body, chilling me to the bone.
I wasn’t ready to be a father, but how would I feel if I wasn’t even allowed to meet my own children? Did I really want that?
How could I go through my life knowing that there were beings in the world that I had helped create, who didn’t know a thing about me?
As I pulled into my driveway, the thought of not knowing my children made me feel even more panicked than the thought of becoming a father.
My stomach clenching, I turned off my car engine and reflected on how my life had been so abruptly turned upside down. And then I sat there for a long time, trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do about it.
When I finally stepped inside my house, it felt colder and emptier than ever. I went straight to my bedroom, where I glimpsed myself in the mirror as I changed out of my suit. My hair standing on end in every direction, I looked just as disheveled as I felt.
I headed for the kitchen to pour myself some scotch, hoping it would calm my nerves. While I grabbed the ice, I felt like a movie had started playing in my head. I envisioned Scarlet rounding the corner, beautiful and round in the stomach, coming to tell me about her day.
I imagined her water breaking all over my kitchen floor tiles…
I imagined scrambling to get her in the car, telling her that everything was going to be all right as she screamed in the passenger’s seat, her contractions growing closer together.
I imagined doctors running through the hospital corridors, preparing to deliver my children.
I imagined putting on scrubs, my heart pounding as I prepared to meet the twins…
Holding Scarlet’s hand while doctors told her to push.
Hearing the scream of one newborn child, and shortly thereafter, the other.
Attempting to balance them both in my arms for the first time.
What would they be? Two girls? Two boys? One of each?
Who would they look like? Me? Scarlet? A mix?
I imagined watching two children growing up, running around the house. Regularly hearing the pitter-patter of little feet echoing through the halls. Scheduling playdates with their cousin Addison…
A smile came to my face until I realized that all of those could very well be moments I never got to experience if I didn’t manage to get back in Scarlet’s good graces.
I collapsed on the couch, suddenly realizing that it may have been a mistake for me to come home. I didn’t feel like being alone and should have gone to Anderson’s and Joanna’s house instead. Thinking of them, I got the overwhelming urge to see my niece, wanting to feel a baby in my arms.
I reached for my phone and began scrolling through pictures of Addison, my heart somehow feeling warm and heavy at the same time.
It was then that I decided I needed to talk to Joanna. She may have been my little sister, but she had matured a great deal since giving birth to my niece. The tables had turned, and more often these days, I found myself turning to her as the voice of reason.
Joanna answered on the second ring, her voice tired. “Hello?”
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, Tobias. What’s going on?”
There was suddenly a lump in my throat that I could hardly speak around, and my silence inevitably alerted her that something was wrong.
“Tobias? What is it? What happened?” she said, concern replacing her tiredness.
I sighed. “Where do I even begin? I messed up big time, sis.”
