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And that was just how it was always going to be.
“Callie,” Lucas spoke up suddenly, talking faster than he normally did when he was trying to fast-talk me into something. “Look, what I’ve decided… you shouldn’t let all that fate shit influence you one way or another. We shouldn’t be any more special to one another just because of a stupid coincidence or two.”
It was what I’d already realised, but it felt like it was huge to hear him saying it. Despite all my protests, he had to know I was a little weak for that argument. He was setting aside a great tool of leverage.
I was already sitting, but I slumped even further. Lucas sat back down next to me.
I formed my words staring at his stylishly blank, clean white wall. People would say I’d made this decision so I could keep those walls close around me. For his money, for the life he could offer me.
But who even knew if I could hold onto him for long enough to receive any benefit? I certainly didn’t have plans that stretched that far. I could maybe keep myself from toppling off the Lucas Starling rollercoaster for another day or a week. If only Lucas had remembered that childhood trip well enough to be really conscious that a rollercoaster usually needed safety measures to keep everyone aboard.
Maybe he did remember. It wasn’t like safety measures kept a really good ride from feeling any less scary.
“I can’t be in this relationship if I’m going to feel like it’s all about to come crashing down on me all the time,” I told him. “And I won’t feel safe if you’re doing things behind the scenes all the time to try to keep me where you want me. That’s what will drive me away, as strange as it might seem to you.”
He just took my hand, and looked at me. And that response somehow gave me the courage to continue.
“You’ve never learned to not use people,” I said. “Maybe you’re too protective of Lucy to let anything happen to her… that you can see. But even your love isn’t enough protection, is it? You use me as you like, you use your parents, who have so much more to lose, rather than face up to one really stupid mistake. And pretty rich boys like you get away with that sort of thing, so you keep doing it. And if I want to be with you… do I have to just accept I’m going to be taking on the role Lucy clearly doesn’t want, where I have to keep running around after you, cleaning up the messes you feel entitled to make and just walk away from?”
“I’m trying to do better.” Lucas’s voice was small, for him: a stark mismatch to his larger-than-life features. “But I don’t know how much I can promise. I don’t even know half of myself, so how can I?”
I took a deep breath. I needed to just to get enough of a sound out. “I’m okay with that. For now. And now’s all we’ve got really, isn’t it?”
I realised as soon as I’d said it how insensitive it was, considering his memory loss, but I got his full smile right in the face so I thought maybe it had actually made him feel better about everything he’d lost. Like it wouldn’t matter so much after all if he never remembered.
I was another connection to that missing past he had now, too. I wished I’d paid more attention back then, that I could have known I needed to.
Lucas was right: the coincidence of our coming back into one another’s lives didn’t mean anything, but if it made us realise a connection that could exist there, that didn’t even matter.
My hand was warm in his, and I felt hot all over too, not entirely for the usual reasons that happened with Lucas. If almost any other human on the planet could see me right now, they would think I was mad. Hadn’t I come here to get my answers before I ended it with him?
No, that had never been the plan. I’d come to see if I could salvage things. I’d chosen to believe the best possible thing I could about Lucas instead of the obvious conclusion… and the fact that I could had to really mean something about the two of us.
And even when we’d been trying to keep the rest of our worlds from finding out what was going on between us, that had been enough for me. It had obviously been enough for him.
I put my other hand over his. I was strong enough to leave, I thought. But I was also strong enough to stay and see if it all worked out.
“What does trying mean for you, anyway? Just keeping us on the same page here.”
Lucas stood, pulling me up with him. “No more crashing my car, especially into yours, you seem to really dislike that. And like you said, I’ve got to be more straight with you, not…”
“Tricky,” I suggested.
“Not tricky.” He led me towards the door. “And also, I’ve got to stop keeping you in my room so much at odd hours. Get you out with my family. Once we graduate, all those other idiots except Steven and maybe Axel are going to melt away… but Lucy and my parents will still be around. And so will you, hopefully.”
“Yeah, I’d better get on the same team as them,” I said.
Lucas paused at the door. “What team is that?”
“The keeping-Lucas-Starling-out-of-trouble team.”
“They’ll be glad to have you if you’re volunteering,” said Lucas, glancing back as he led me down the stairs. “They’re overworked as it is.”
“The only question I have is where you’re going to get your regular dose of action if I’m splitting more of my time with you into time with your family,” I added, just to screw with him as we exited into a more public area of the house. “Because the impression I have is that you’re pretty voracious.”
As we came out into the main lounge to join his parents and sister, Lucas shot me a look that was filthy in a couple of different ways. I knew he wouldn’t think to say the actual words, but I didn’t think even Lucas could just look at a person like that if he didn’t love them.
“You’ll just have to be around more often,” he said.
