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“I didn’t think I needed to do anything so drastic to have you keep quiet. You always refuse to understand when I am trying to protect you, Julia.”
“No, Devin, could it be I just don’t want to be protected from my future husband?”
“You really want to fall in love?” His reaction to that was soft, subtle: like it was amusing, but not something he cared much about either way. That was exactly what I didn’t want: to be regarded as a child, better seen and not heard and only engaged with when discipline was required. “Haven’t you seen enough to know that is such a fool’s treasure?”
I hadn’t; in that very moment, with him, I realised wanting his love had become secondary, and not even about the protection it could offer any more. I wanted to be the one to fall too. And I could see it now: he was going to laugh at me when I revealed my thoughts to him. He’d say I was soft, not even worthy of the girl who had made those other young men go so loopy.
But fuck him, he was going to hear the truth anyway. “I broke a lot of hearts in the past, twisted quite a few, but you know what? I hardly ever felt anything myself. Maybe you’re going to think this is some feminine nonsense, but I wonder what it would be like to have my own heart broken.”
“You are self-destructive,” said Devin with a strange calm fascination.
“I just don’t want to be protected by someone who claims it’s for my own good. Everyone can see through that.”
“Not everyone.” Devin turned a little more towards me. “It just amazes me that this is even something you want.”
“Well, we can’t help who we are at the end of the day,” I said. “Our inclinations, the things that draw us in… that’s all set in advance.”
Devin had his hands on my shoulders. “I cannot accept that.”
A show of genuine force from such a controlled man… and at such an interesting time.
I felt the old strategising part of my brain coming to life again, trying to anticipate where he was going next with this debate, with the whole interaction, so I could be ready to match it. But I couldn’t imagine where he would go next, and that made it more thrilling than I would have expected.
“I suppose you can try to prove me wrong, if you want. It’s just what I’ve seen, over and over again. And from the way you act about my parents, I have a feeling you’ve seen it too.”
“I don’t want to hear about your parents, Julia,” Devin told me, and he followed that ruling up with a kiss that bent me back against the arm of the chair.
As soon as I could get my thoughts in some kind of order, I pulled myself back upright and got my hands in his hair so he couldn’t get away from me. He caught my wrists and flung me back again. There he was, retaliating before I did anything to him—but no, I understood he wasn’t from his perspective. He was trying to keep the upper hand as a matter of survival, in case I managed to break through and prove him wrong on any one of a number of critical issues.
I didn’t think I was wrong. So I let him take hold of me, use his mouth on me the way I knew he was good at… and I didn’t let on how I was bursting with smugness when I felt his fingers dig in harder, his bo
dy become rigid, his eyes wide and staring like always, but with a level of intensity he usually didn’t allow to come out.
Then I felt him soften, almost like he was melting into me, and when he was close to me like that, all my feelings of superiority at being able to get him in a way he didn’t want to be had were suddenly hard to find. Instead I was left weakened, awed in the face of the way it felt when he opened himself up, even a little.
Had I experienced something like this before? Even the slightest touch of it that would… Surely not. If I’d known anything could be like this, I would never have dared go anywhere near a boy. Not even at my highest levels of confidence.
I tried to squirm away from him, and his grip tightened on me.
“Oh, no,” he breathed in my ear. “If I’m not allowed to protect you… maybe I just have to teach you.”
I was afraid of what I might find as part of this encounter now, but that just meant I had to be stronger facing it. I wasn’t going to back off just because it was scary. I could only imagine what he’d have to say if I pushed him so hard and then went running.
I struggled harder, but as a part of the game. So he could feel the way my heart was racing as I tried to picture just what teaching he had in mind.
I let him have his way when he pushed my skirt up, when he wrapped my legs around his waist and stood with me, taking careful steps towards the bedroom. I pulled my knees together tighter, trying to keep from slipping, and I froze when I realised I could feel something I hadn’t considered: his arousal, apparently determined to make its presence known even if he was determined for his part to try keeping up this repressed aura.
It was a complete shift in perspective. He was interested…
At least body-deep. Something that was shocking to me: I wasn’t so interested in that any more. Once, it had been enough for me if a guy saw I was hot and was drawn in by my mysterious act, never mind if he had the first idea what my favourite movie might be, or who I became once the door was closed on the rest of the world. Now, I didn’t want Devin to just want my body.
But he’d had little interest in me at all until now. Any physical desire had remained contained. He was interested now beyond controlling, because we had made a connection through our conversation.
Was that how it worked? A man could decide he wanted to fuck you, because he thought he’d discovered something real about you instead of just liking the fake show you put on? It seemed too good to be true. Why would anyone create a fake version of themselves if the real one was good enough to get by on?
Maybe it was just that it didn’t work with everybody. Maybe there really was something special when it came to Devin and me, that made our real selves—my real self, I didn’t think I knew much about his yet—just work.
That couldn’t be right, though. How could I be exactly what a kneecap-smashing mafia man was looking for? I’d been bad in my time, but not that—
