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He failed to catch his grimace in time. “Julia… you need to stop this.”
The thing was, I thought he was right. When had I become the sort of pathetic woman who begged for attention from a man who clearly didn’t want to give it? I used to laugh at guys who behaved that way.
And yet I knew now I was right too, once again, as much as I hated it. There was something about the two of us together that just worked. But if Devin had no intention of even giving me the slightest opening, I was wasting my time.
“If you’re really not into it, that’s fine, I’ll quit bothering you. But I thought you might be willing to do it, just this once. We girls get vulnerable at a time like this, you know.”
Devin shook his head. “I can’t imagine you’ve ever gotten vulnerable like that for a long time.” But he actually walked back across the room and sank down on the bed alongside me. I leaned sideways into him, a little daring and a little afraid of it, and he seemed to stiffen, his elbow pressing into my ribs in a way I didn’t think had been intentional. That close, I could feel an energy radiating off him that I had never experienced with any other male before. I hadn’t realised what I was asking for again. To be lying alongside Devin in bed would be terrifying. I wa
sn’t even sure I would be able to sleep.
“Thank you,” I said. Another daring sort of thing.
“A service provided.” Devin’s arm relaxed against me. I wasn’t sure if I felt hopeful or not. “Have you become more comfortable with the idea that there will have to remain a certain amount of distance between us?”
I didn’t think that was what he’d managed to convey at all through that encounter, but all I said was, “I’m just tired of arguing over the whole thing,” which was completely true.
He tilted his head against mine. I tried not to shudder as I breathed the scent of his hair, almost lost under an artificial fragrance that was strong and yet subtle. Expensive. “There will be an affectionate relationship between us that will, I’m sure, only grow over the course of our relationship. But we must maintain some degree of autonomy. It does nobody any good to be losing their head to the point where they can’t make an objective decision any more.”
“Yeah, fair enough.” If that was the way he wanted to play it, what could I do?
Then his elbow dipped into my ribs again. “Julia… wait. At a time like this… were you a virgin?”
I’d forgotten how ridiculous men got about that particular status. My strategic mind was awakening again. “I’ve done a lot of things with a lot of men, Devin, I won’t lie to you… but I had never done that particular thing.”
“And yet you wanted to here. With me.”
His voice was unwavering. Cold. I should have known he couldn’t just be like a regular man and feel pleased that he’d gotten to have me first.
“I agreed to marry you. It seemed like it was something that naturally followed.”
Devin was on his feet, pacing the tiny room. “You should know this situation well enough now to realise everything is negotiable, Julia. You chose to push ahead with this particular thing for your own reasons… and that leaves me here wondering what those reasons could be.”
If I told him I thought there was something really special between us he would mock me… and so he should when we’d known one another for all of five minutes under such unromantic circumstances. But that left me with no good explanation for a sudden complete change in tactics. “Is a woman not allowed to just decide she wants something?”
There were tears in my eyes now, and unlike when he’d been kidnapping me, telling myself I needed to keep it together, keep my feelings to myself, wasn’t helping. I was actually afraid of what would happen if I just ‘kept it to myself’ now. Would I end up in a marriage like that of my parents, apparently rich and successful… but so shitty with life I had to arrange to break a man’s kneecaps when he crossed me over a view?
I was so desperate to make a connection with Devin because I thought he could save me from that future. Because he seemed like someone I could have a more meaningful connection with… But wasn’t that just me being an absolute fool? If anything, I should expect Devin to be more or less the same as my father, maybe with some more convoluted ethics thrown in.
As I started to berate myself in my own head, I just cried harder.
“I need to give you some more space,” said Devin. As always, ready with the new plan. “It’s probably inevitable that we need to spend more time apart after everything that’s happened to get us to this point. If you need me, I’ll answer my phone… but I’m going to have my mother or Caroline check up on you from now on. For at least the next few weeks.”
Just like my father. I was too much trouble with all those inconvenient emotions, so he was going to leave me.
“Devin, please—”
“Be careful if you go out,” Devin told me. “If anyone approaches you, assume you don’t know who they really are or what they’re planning. I’ll stay in touch.”
While I was still scrambling to put together my clothes, he was gone.
Chapter Fourteen
When I staggered out of the bedroom in the ugliest and most comfortable pyjamas I had brought with me, I froze at the sight of Angel, sitting ankles crossed at the table in the seat Devin had used and sipping a coffee far too powerful for my brain at that point in the morning.
It had been almost a week since Devin walked out on me, only communicating occasionally in terse text responses to my messages. In all that time the only other humans I’d seen were delivering pizza or Chinese or cake—I couldn’t believe I’d been on my own long enough at that point to discover you could order in cake. I had been trying to sweep up all the wrappers and wipe any surfaces I messed up at least every other day, but the apartment already looked significantly shabbier than it had before I arrived. I was aware of it, and even though Angel wasn’t looking at anything around her, somehow I could tell she had noticed.
“Hello, Julia,” said Angel, calm as if this was a completely normal interaction to be having. “I assume Devin isn’t here this morning.”
