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I stood there like an anvil fell on my skull.
24
Calvin
The football off-season was a time of rest and relaxation for everyone but the players.
Des leaned back on the bench as Addler changed into clean pants. Jarrod leaned against the lockers, stretching.
“You’d think we’d get a break, but no,” Des said, sighing as he stared at the ceiling. “Coach wants to murder us. I swear, he wants us to die.”
“He wants us to be better,” Jarrod said. “Maybe you should try harder.”
Des shot him a glare. “I’m trying as hard as anyone. I’m aware of my limitations.”
“I’m not,” Addler said. “I’m going pro or I’m doing nothing.”
“You’re going to work for your dad’s hedge fund and make a stupid amount of money,” Jarrod said.
“Right, after I play in the NFL.”
Des laughed. They continued to joke with each other as they changed. I sat there, staring at my hands. I couldn’t bring myself to stand.
“You okay?” Jarrod sat down next to me. He was a big guy, but I was too. I liked to surround myself with big people—it was the only way I could feel somewhat normal.
“I’m fine. Tired. Thinking.”
“About Robyn?”
I tried a smile, but it felt wrong. I let it drop. “Among other things.”
Des and Addler drifted toward the door. Addler paused and looked back. “You two coming?”
“I still have to get changed. Go on without me.”
Addler shrugged. “We’re headed to DelRio’s for some pizza if you want to meet us there.”
I waved and they left. Jarrod remained, watching me.
“What did you get my cousin involved with?”
I looked at the floor. I’d been waiting for this conversation. I’d also been dreading it.
“We made a deal.”
“What kind of deal?”
“You already know. Don’t pretend otherwise.”
He grunted. “All right, I know. Can you really do it? Kill her dad?”
“I can make it happen, yes.”
“Then do it.”
I looked up and smiled. “Sometimes I forget he abused you too.”
“Don’t make jokes. I got that bastard locked up, but prison’s not enough.”
“Nothing’s enough for you, Jarrod.”
“Cora’s enough.” I accepted that in silence. He weighed his next words. “Robyn’s a good person. She’s one of the few decent humans I’ve ever met. I don’t want you to twist her, Calvin.”
My hands curled into fists. I leaned closer. It took all my willpower not to pummel him to death here and now. I wasn’t sure I’d win that fight, but he’d deserve the beating.
“Robyn is her own person. She makes her own decisions. She’s not some idealized construct that exists to be your shining beacon of purity.”
She wasn’t pure. Not in the slightest. My Robyn was filthy, so filthy, and I loved her for it, stains and mess and all.
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Isn’t it? Just because you’re broken, and Cora’s a mess, and I’m as fucked up as they come, that doesn’t mean Robyn needs to be perfect.”
His jaw worked and he stood. “I’m only saying don’t hurt her.”
“And I’m saying I won’t.”
“Good.” Jarrod hesitated and turned to the door. “You can’t push us away forever. Addler and Des are worried.”
“I didn’t think they noticed anything was wrong.”
“They’re not stupid. They just think acting like things are normal might make things normal again.” He grabbed his bag. “When does this all end?”
“Soon,” I said, my voice soft. “Don’t worry.”
“Good.” He looked back, shook his head, and left.
I was alone again.
Good.
I leaned my head against the locker.
My muscles ached. My heart was close to bursting. I wanted Robyn here, and I wished she’d run away and stab me in the back. Taking my mother’s offer was her best option. I didn’t know why she’d tell me about it.
But she did, and now I had a choice.
I could drop out of school. Give up any hint of a normal life. Forgo my last football season, my final two semesters, and throw myself into the role I thought I wanted.
Or I could hold on to this, to all this.
Glorious, perfect Blackwoods. Flawed and fucked-up Blackwoods.
The only place on this planet where I could pretend to be a regular person.
For a while at least.
I was supposed to want this. It was the whole reason I pulled Robyn into my world.
So why, now that I was faced with getting what I wanted, did I hesitate to take what was mine?
I heard a sound. Someone coming down the aisle. I stood and pulled a shirt over my head. “You forget something?”
I figured it was Jarrod or Des or Addler, coming to grab a lost phone or bag.
Instead, Raymond and Noah stared at me.
Both of them grinned.
“Hello, brother,” Raymond said. His face was healing.
Noah smirked. “You’re all alone.”
“How did you two get in here?” Not that it mattered, but I was delaying.
“People are funny,” Noah said. “They’ll do almost anything for money. But I’ve never seen the appeal.”
“That’s because you have so much of it.” I glanced over my shoulder. I could run, but I wouldn’t get far. “Did you know Mom tried to bribe Robyn into leaving me?”
