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Tears, which are always close to the surface right now, sting my eyes. My heart squeezes in my chest. His words mean more because I know he believes what he’s saying. I’ve hit my limit. I’ve faked my way through most of this. I need a few moments to myself.
I walk over to Reed and go up on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. I breathe in his scent and let that wash over me, giving me comfort. “Reed, Mitch has stolen enough of the joy out of our lives. I’ve made foolish mistakes for what seems my whole life. It’s time I make some changes. Don’t let him reach out from the grave and take your happiness.”
“God, Callie—”
“I warmed your plate in the microwave. Eat, okay?”
He looks at me, giving me a nod.
“I’m going to go take a shower and decompress. I need a little time alone and to digest all of this.”
“Okay, Bluebird,” he whispers, before taking me into his arms and hugging me. “You’re a remarkable woman, Callie Street.”
I pull back and look at him. “Right back at you, Reed.”
I walk away, not wanting him to see what a mess I truly am. I did everything I needed to—which is progress. Still, when I get the shower turned on and get under the hot stream of water, I let my tears fall. I couldn’t exactly tell you what I’m crying about. I think in a way it’s because I’m tired of trying to survive being a survivor.
I’m tired.
CHAPTER 36
Callie
Two Weeks Later
For two weeks I’ve been able to pretend that everything is good. Sometimes I even felt that way. Reed is everything I’ve always wanted, but it’s more than that. He’s helping me slowly find myself again. That’s just the truth. Even when I hit unexpected landmines and have mini meltdowns, he holds me and lets me find solid footing.
We’ve kissed a few times and I don’t hit the panic zone as quickly. It feels like progress, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. Still, I’m not sure I’ll ever be normal. Reed has continued to share my bed and other than a kiss here or there—which are really PG rated kisses—it’s purely platonic. I can see the hunger in his eyes though and my guilt is enormous. Reed wants more from me and I love him. I want to give him more. The problem is I know I can’t. Just the thought of it makes me panic completely. I feel like I’m hurting him, or giving him false hope, because I have no idea if I will ever be able to be in a relationship with someone. It’s very possible that Mitch killed any part of me that could function as a normal woman.
I push the thoughts away that seem to be getting louder and louder in my head. Instead, I concentrate on putting the finishing touches on dinner. It’s nothing major, just a simple meatloaf, corn, and mashed potatoes. Still, I know Reed likes them and I need to do something. My doctor says he will talk to me about going back to work next month. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve missed it. Plus, I will feel like I’m contributing to things. I sold the trailer I lived in with Mitch last week. The guy refinanced it in his name, and I got seven thousand extra. I’d paid about twelve thousand on the loan, but to only lose five thousand out of it all, definitely seems like a win.
I paid up rent for four months in advance on this place and I put the rest in the bank. My hope is to find a small home somewhere close to Katie. She’s truly the only family I have besides Reed. Liza isn’t really talking to me. She blames me for Mitch and when Reed told her that Mitch died in a car wreck, she went back east to a sister’s, refusing to talk to either of us. That hurt, because I’d done a lot for Liza since being with Mitch, but I have enough on my plate to deal with. I don’t need to find more.
Once I have everything together, I look out the window over the sink and see if I can find Reed. He had been mowing the grass earlier. I don’t see him anywhere, so I venture outside to search for him. As I round the corner of the house, I catch sight of him. I start to walk toward him, until I hear the tone of his voice. He’s obviously upset, and I freeze, afraid the police have contacted him again. I know I shouldn’t eavesdrop but if I don’t, I know Reed will never tell me the truth. He’s got the phone in his hand, staring at it. At first, I think he’s doing a video call, but realize he just has the speakerphone on. I lean against the house and listen in.
