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"Do not dare tell me you've licked worse, because I don't want to hear it," I warn him, fighting a smile. I like it best when he's happy and playful like this. It makes me feel like everything in the world is not so dreadful. Like we're not in this shitstorm up to our necks. Like I can forget for a few more days that I'm now twice-dead and stuck in this realm and I'll never see my mother again… I force the thoughts away and sit up, touching his broken antler. "You broke this today."
"I did." He props up on one arm and watches me with appreciation, and I remember that I'm now topless and my boobs are probably jiggling all over the place. "I tried to get a blacksmith to leave the city using my bridge, and he attacked me with his hammer."
I suck in a breath, picturing the worst. "Were you hurt?"
"Bah. I am a god."
I touch his head, where the horn is broken in an ugly manner, and then trace my fingers along his brow. "I know you're a god. I asked if you were hurt."
He captures my hand in his. "I hurt all day," he admits. "I hurt when I realized how badly I had pulled magic through you. I hurt when I felt your pain. I hurt when I realized how selfish I was to do this, to harm you in my quest for vengeance. I hurt with every elk that fell, every wolf that was stabbed, every wyrm that fell at my feet because the mortals were trying desperately to protect their homes. I do not think they were protecting Riekki. They were protecting the only homes they knew. I realized this, and I realized I was the invader, and I hurt. I hurt and I hurt." He rubs his mouth against my palm and then presses it to his cheek. "But most of all, I hurt knowing that I was disappointing you. That I had done all of this for my vengeance, and I no longer wanted it."
49
He thinks I'm disappointed?
I shake my head. "I'm not disappointed at all, Kassam. I wanted this so you could have closure. So you could feel safe. I don't care if you shake hands with her and call it a day. I just need you to feel good about it. She fucked you over and you wanted revenge. I get that. I understand that completely. It's a very human thing to want revenge, you know." I chuckle, running my thumb down his cheek. "So don't worry about me. I'm fine."
"Are you, my wife?"
I hesitate. Do I tell him the truth of what happened today? Will it worry him? Should I confess everything? That I stayed for him to get his vengeance and frayed my own thread? I don't know what to say. It feels like too much to throw at him, when he's already feeling guilty…and I don't regret my choices. I knew what I was getting into, and I'd choose the same all over again. So I simply say, "I love you, Kassam. No matter how all of this turns out, I love you and I want you to know that."
Those silver eyes narrow and he loses all casualness. Kassam jerks upright, no longer lounging, and when I pull back, he grabs my hand and tugs me toward him, searching my face. "Why do you make that sound like goodbye?"
Oh. I guess I'm as terrible at hiding things as he is at revenge. "It's not goodbye," I say. "Not yet. But you have to be prepared for the worst."
"I will not let you leave me, Carly." His entire body grows stiff with determination, a scowl on his face. "You will stay at my side forever. That is what we vowed."
"I know we said that," I say to him. "I just…might not have a choice. What if the Spidae don't want to grant us any favors?"
"Then they are worse than Seth, and they will have my undying vengeance." His jaw flexes, and I can tell he's upset. "You…would you stay with me if you could? If it was your choice? This is not your world, and I know I have pushed and pushed for many things, but I am no longer pushing, Carly. I am asking."
And asking is significant for one like him. I understand that completely. He's a god. He demands and his wishes are fulfilled. He's not used to getting thwarted, and I can tell it bothers him. "Of course I'd stay with you." I give him a teasing look. "I need to one-up you again after that last round with the toys. I still can't believe you demanded those from the vizier."
I wait for his eyes to brighten with teasing. For him to pick up the thread that I've dropped at his feet, and to play around. To smile and become my laughing, sunshine-filled Kassam again. He doesn't, though. He simply gazes at me with those intense silver eyes, so bright in his bronze face, and watches me. "I love you, my Carly. Perhaps you do not understand how significant that is—"
