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And now Kassam is upset and taking it out on me, because there's no one else to take it out on.
At my mention of the weather, though, he turns his face to the heavens. When rolling thunder crackles overhead, his expression becomes even more downcast. "Do you hear that? Aron, Lord of Storms, is back in his domain." He glares at the skies. "I am trapped here, and my brothers return to their rightful homes."
"That means that his anchor is dead," I shoot back. "Do you really want that?"
"You know I do not!" Kassam gets to his feet, storming away. "I do not want to feel this guilt, either. Or this grief. I am tired of these human emotions, Carly. I do not like it!"
I give up on the fire. It's not like I know how to make a flame anyhow. Tossing down the sticks, I trail after Kassam. The deer follow me, licking at my hand and nibbling at my jeans and making cute nuisances of themselves. He is by the water, his arms crossed over his chest, absolutely glowering. I move to his side and rub his back, trying to think of the words to comfort him. What exactly do you say to someone that fucked over a bunch of people for a thousand years?
I decide a distraction is the best medicine. Patting his back, I offer, "Do you want a finger in your ass to make you feel better?"
"Do not make me laugh, Carly. I am upset. Truly." He struggles to keep his face straight, and I can tell that Kassam is pleased that I made a joke, but he's still punishing himself. "I have disappointed the conmac. I have abandoned the faithful." He shakes his head. "I dreamed of returning for so long, and I did not realize I would be coming back to"—he gestures at his surroundings—"this."
"A glade full of friendly deer and pissy wolves?"
He scowls at me. "Ruined temples. Furious conmac." His jaw clenches. "I feel very, very guilty, and it is not something I have expected to feel." Kassam leans closer to me. "I can feel them all watching me. They stare at me as if they are waiting for me to disappear again. I know this, and I know they have a reason to fear it, and it still makes me feel…very, very bad."
I take his hand in mine, lacing my fingers with his. "Don't you think that's maybe the point?" At Kassam's glare, I continue. "You were sent to the mortal realm for a reason, remember? You told me the High Father cast out the gods when he felt they needed to learn a lesson. I'm guessing this is part of the lesson you're supposed to learn."
"What guilt feels like?" he grumbles.
"Not just that. Maybe you're supposed to realize that actions have consequences. That you can't always push to get your way and expect everyone to be happy with it. Maybe you're supposed to realize that if you want your followers to love you—the human ones," I correct, gently nudging my hip against a too-friendly doe. "If you want them to love you, you need to be there for them. You need to appreciate them."
"I do not like learning lessons," he admits, his tone sullen. "It does not feel good."
"It never does, but it's valuable to learn so you won't do it again in the future." I give his hand a squeeze. "So you need to acknowledge the guilt, and the sadness, and remember this so you can be a better god of the wild when you return to your home. Understand?"
Kassam looks over at me, and his expression is bleak as he searches my face. "They could have killed you to send me home. I realized that when I saw you in the temple, covered in blood. They could have killed you and I would have been powerless to stop it. That terrifies me."
I'm stunned at his words. He was worried about me? That's why he's in such a shitty mood? It's not just guilt driving him—it's realizing that I was in very real danger and he would have been too late to do anything about it. My sunshine nature god is realizing that this is a big deal, finally. That this isn't just a fun, hedonistic lark through the woods. That I could die, and the conmac could be cursed forever, and that there are real consequences.
I feel a little sorry for him, but I'm also glad he's figuring this out. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think they would have killed me. They know I belong to you and if they want you to turn them back, they probably don't want to piss you off."
"Or they're too lost in their wolf minds to think about such things, and I arrived just in time before instinct told them to eat a very tasty prize," he grumbles.
