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He could never permit himself to nurture such hopes anew.
Dear God, can I ever show my face in her house again?
What a fool he was to think he could take Richard’s place in even a limited role.
A carriage bearing a nobleman’s crest clattered over the bridge, provoking thoughts of Kirkwood.
Blast and damnation! Kirkwood.
Now nothing would prevent the lord from proposing.
Nothing would prevent Elizabeth from accepting.
How could Darcy survive it? Watching her engaged once more to another man? Watching her marry another man?
It could not be borne.
Perhaps she would not accept his offer. She might not desire Kirkwood’s protection any more than she desired Darcy’s. But that would mean nothing if Elizabeth felt true affection or, God forbid, love for Kirkwood.
The conclusion was inescapable. Kirkwood might employ the same arguments as Darcy and receive a very different reception for the simple reason that Elizabeth was already predisposed toward him.
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Darcy closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyelids as if he could shut out this vision. He could strive not to fix his mind on such possibilities, but his heart still plummeted painfully at the thought.
Opening his eyes, Darcy massaged his forehead, trying to ward off an impending headache. He knew he must find a way to accomplish the impossible and accept the reality, no matter how unacceptable. One thing was certain: whether Elizabeth accepted Kirkwood’s proposal or not, she was forever lost to Darcy.
Chapter 15
By midday, Elizabeth had concluded that staying abed with a headache only worsened her tendency to obsess over the problem of Mr. Darcy. So she resolved on a long walk after luncheon. Perhaps fresh air would provide the clear head she required to better understand Mr. Darcy’s behavior. Vexing man!
Refusing him had been the proper decision, of course. Why then could she not stop thinking about him? Again and again, she pictured the expression on his face as he had proposed. Such tenderness. Such genuine concern for her wellbeing. And more …
Had passion flared in his eyes? The night of their waltz at Georgiana’s ball, he had seemed on the verge of kissing her. Was it possible he felt more than friendship? No, surely he would have declared any such sentiments when paying his addresses.
Her mind wandered, recalling his broad shoulders, his strong hands, and the blue-black strands of hair falling carelessly across his forehead. Her body hummed with excitement at any thoughts of his desire for her, but he might just as easily desire any reasonably attractive lady.
What if her rejection caused him to retire to Pemberley, and they never met again? Why was the idea so deeply distressing?
She sighed as the headache pounded anew. Her thoughts were in such a tangle, they were impossible to unwind. She needed a walk. A long walk.
However, she had not even tied her bonnet ribbons when Grayson announced Lord Kirkwood at the door. Sighing, Elizabeth removed her bonnet and repaired to the drawing room with the hope the viscount’s heir would not stay long. The man bounded into the room like a big puppy, wide-eyed and eager to please. Lord Kirkwood was of an age with Richard, but he always seemed younger.
“Miss Bennet!” he exclaimed, executing a small bow. “You are a looking exceedingly well. I trust you have been in good health?”
“Yes, I have enjoyed the best of health, thank you.” Elizabeth wondered that Lord Kirkwood had visited alone; in the past, he had been accompanied by other friends of Richard’s. Perhaps no one else had been available to visit the poor, grieving almost-widow.
“I am very pleased to hear it!” He sat in one of the brocade-covered chairs but perched at the very edge of the seat as if excessive energy prevented him from more restful sitting.
Their eyes met, and he gave her a wide smile. He really is quite an attractive man, she thought. And about as different from Mr. Darcy as possible.
Am I now comparing every man to Mr. Darcy? She thought with disgust.
Lord Kirkwood was oblivious to her internal debate. “I have a particular design in today’s visit,” he confessed.
“Oh?”
His expression turned abruptly solemn, and his eyes locked on hers. “I know this may seem abrupt to you, but I have admired you for a long time….”
