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Ryder
Not having a fuckin’ clue about what I’m going to say to Dahlia, I head upstairs to the apartment with my heart feeling like its being ripped out of my chest. I’ve put this off for the better part of three hours. Firstly, hashing it out with Jace before he had to leave, and then by restocking the bar.
If only I didn’t have a conscience then I wouldn’t have to break Dahlia’s heart and trust.
Even now after the call from Evan, I’m still torn about what the fuck to do. I already felt like shit for instigating the divorce when Brittany hadn’t looked good, but there’s no way I’m going to be able to carry on along that route now that she hasn’t gotten long left—two months at the most according to her brother.
I know the best thing for Dahlia is for me to break things off with her. The last thing I want is for her to ever think of herself as the other woman. I know where she’s coming from, and I don’t really blame her, but to me, she’s the
only woman.
Would it be fair for me to ask her to stay? To explain the situation and beg her to stay with me, and to know that one-day in the future, she’d be my wife. Or is that not right? Not right to want my girlfriend with me while my wife is dying.
Dropping my ass to the top step, I’m unable to enter my apartment because I know Dahlia is in there having made a special meal for us both.
Knowing I’m about to ruin her evening, and possibly break her heart, causes my eyes to sting as one, lone tear escapes and runs down my face. I don’t bother wiping it away. I don’t cry. I never cry. Not since Jace was on life support.
Jace’s advice had been to tell Dahlia everything and to let her decide about what she wants to do. But I’m afraid she’s going to decide it’s too much like her mom’s situation and walk. It’ll kill me knowing I’ve told her everything only to watch her walk away, knowing that she isn’t going to be by my side offering her love and support.
Is it too much to want the woman I love to be here for me no matter what shit-storm is about to hit the fan? Or should I go with my gut reaction and break up with her without telling her what’s going on? Maybe I should tell her I just need some space?
No matter which way I go, she’s still going to be upset. But how is it going to look to others when they discover my wife is dying and I’m living with my girlfriend? I don’t give a shit about what people think of me, but I do care what they think of Dahlia, and I know, because of her past, that it bothers her as well.
With a heavy heart and long sigh, I get to my feet and wipe the tears from my cheeks.
Dahlia is going to take one look at me and know there’s something wrong. Nothing I can do about that.
Inhaling and preparing myself for the worse, I enter the quiet apartment.
Fuck!
The table is set for a romantic meal for two, but no Dahlia. Where is she?
Walking into the kitchen the oven is switched off and feels cold.
Running my hands through my hair, I move into the bedroom and don’t find any sign of her around. As I turn back to the kitchen, I spot a white sheet of paper on the place setting in front of the seat I use.
Reaching for the note, I begin to read and feel my legs give way as my ass drops to the chair. I start at the beginning and try to let her words sink in . . .
Ryder,
My heart was involved in this relationship long before we had a ‘relationship’ and knowing that you’re feeling so torn as to what to do about ‘me’ breaks my heart.
I gave you my trust, which I’ve never given to someone who isn’t family before, and you didn’t give me yours, which breaks my heart.
No matter what you said about Brittany, and the sometimes jealousy that would hit me, I still loved you and took a chance on you, but your feelings for me obviously don’t run as deeply as mine for you, which breaks my heart.
Hearing you talking to Jace about me, tore me apart.
I find, after overhearing you with Jace, that I’m not sure what the hell I’m still doing here. It makes me wonder why you haven’t broken things off between us before now.
I can’t stay here and pretend that everything is perfect when it obviously isn’t. I can’t stay here waiting for you to tell me that you don’t love me, and don’t want me in your life anymore.
So, although I’m leaving, it’s to make my life and soul a bit easier because hearing you tell me to my face that you want me out of your life would kill me.
I hope you find the ‘one’ special woman who makes you whole, because that obviously isn’t me.
Goodbye Ryder,
