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Dahlia
It’s been eleven weeks since I left everything I knew and began the new chapter of my life alone.
It has taken time but I’ve learned to smile again with the help of Max, who has started looking for jobs. This worries me, because he’s the glue holding me together and I don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves Portsmouth.
He assures me he’ll stay until the baby is born, but he doesn’t have bottomless funds, which makes me feel guilty.
Would he have moved on already? Gotten a new job, and be earning a salary, if it wasn’t for me?
I know I’m the one keeping him here and I wish I was strong enough to tell him to go and find his perfect job, but I’m not. I’m being selfish wanting my friend with me when I give birth to my beautiful daughter. A daughter. I had an ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and the OB asked me if I wanted to know the sex of my baby. Until she asked, I told myself that I didn’t want to know. But my decision changed with the blink of an eye and she told me. I’d burst into tears and the nurse had to go and get Max, who had been in the waiting room.
I’m delighted I’m having a girl, but feel a profound sadness that I’m not going through the pregnancy with Ryder by my side.
I know I need to tell him about our baby, but I need more time for my heart to start to heal because it still feels broken into tiny pieces.
Once I’d started moving on with my life, I started to realize that I should have confronted Ryder instead of taking the coward’s way out. I should have made him explain to me why he felt he had to stop the divorce, and let me go.
Thinking back, none of it made sense, but it was too late now, and he hasn’t even tried to get in touch with me. Not even a text.
I’d spoken to Mia a few weeks ago and she’d admitted that Ryder hadn’t asked anyone where I’d gone. Needless to say, I’d cried myself to sleep for the rest of the week.
But feeling my baby tossing and turning in my belly had brought me out of the slump I’d fallen back into, and of course, watching Max work out caused a distraction from my thoughts.
Max is well toned and doesn’t have use for a gym since he makes use of the obstacles around the park. Apparently, what he does is known as parkour. I mean, who knew? That was definitely a new one for me.
He certainly gets a workout, while I get mine from watching him. He’s exhausting.
And talking about exhausting, Daisy, from the coffee shop where I’ve been working four hours a day during the week, has sent me home today because, according to her, I look sick.
I feel tired but fine and I do worry on a daily basis about my baby and how I’m going to break it to Ryder about his pending fatherhood. Not only that, but I’m worried, or more like terrified, that he won’t want anything to do with his daughter.
He doesn’t come across as someone who’d do that, especially with how his conscience over Brittany affected him. But the worry is there at the back of my mind, and it won’t budge.
I’m kind of trying to avoid Max today, after having to listen to his lecture last night about not going to see Ryder.
Max is, or was, a college professor so he’s used to giving lectures, and boy, does he. Luckily, I’ve only earned the privilege of listening to him about three times since we’ve known each other. I’m good with that.
“What are you smiling at?” Max interrupts, as he walks into the house
So much for avoiding him today.
“How lucky I am to have only had three lectures from you since we met.” I smirk.
Max throws his head back and roars with laughter.
“Keep doing as you’re told and you won’t have another one.”
I toss a cushion from the sofa at him, which he catches.
“Nice throw.” He leans over the back of the sofa to look at me. “How are you feeling?” He places his hand on my stomach.
“I’m all right. Daisy said I looked sick and sent me home. Do I look sick?”
“A bit pale maybe, but it’s your usual color.” He grins. “I’m serious, Dahlia. You’re always pale, even from the first.”
“Well, apart from feeling tired, I’m good.”
Max slumps in the chair opposite.
