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It’s been three months, and every time I close my eyes, I see your beautiful face with tears of sorrow on the tips of your lashes. It breaks my heart knowing that I put them there.
I hear your words in my dreams, but when I wake up in the morning, they’ve disappeared and been replaced with the cold, hard reality of what I did. You might not blame me, but I can’t stop blaming myself. I only wish I could for your benefit more than anything.
I’m worried about you, Savannah. Ryder tells me you’re doing well, which I don’t believe because he refuses to meet my eyes when he says this.
Please start to smile again. You mean the world to me and you always will. You take up a special place in my heart, which will always belong to you, and it will always ache for want of you. Don’t ever give up on your dreams, and enjoy your future. I wish I could tell you that your future will include me, but I can’t. I have no idea what my future holds while I’m trying to live one day to the next.
No matter where I am, you’ll always be with me, just as I know that I’ll always be with you.
Please look after yourself, Savannah, and grab hold of the life that you want and make it work. If anyone can do that, you can.
I wish you every success with the adoption of Tammy. She’s a sweet child who deserves a fresh start in life with you because you have a lot of love to offer her.
If you get the chance, can you check in on Catcher every now and again? Tell him, I’m so sorry I didn’t get to see him before I left town. I love that kid!
Thank you for believing in me, and I’m sorry for letting you down.
All my love,
Jace x
Silent tears trickle down my face as his letter rests on my lap. My hands continue to shake, knowing that he really has given up on our relationship. Nothing I’ve said, or can say, will change his mind. I see that now.
I’m glad he wrote to me even though his words have hurt me deeply. I guess I was starting to wonder whether or not his love for me had been real, or a figment of my imagination, so…at least I now have my answer.
I don’t want to move on with my life without him, but I don’t really have a choice, which he’s made me realize by mentioning Tammy and Charlie.
Chapter Thirty
Savannah
Clouds hide the sun and the air is humid, which has sweat running down my back as the last boxes are loaded onto the truck by Ryder and my uncle.
Two weeks ago, after months of heartache, I finally made the decision to move—not just house, but state. Once I received guardianship, I wasted no time starting the adoption process. Thanks to my uncle and his connections, they were able to cut through all the red tape and move my paperwork along. I’m truly amazed at how fast things can move when
favors are called in. Now, with the adoption being final, I decided we needed a fresh start, and that it wasn’t healthy for me to try and hold onto Jace when I don’t think he wants me to. It breaks my heart every time I think about him. The craving to have him in my arms is still with me and probably always will be. But I’m a Mom now and that means I have to move on regardless.
It’s going to be harder than I initially thought, saying goodbye to my uncle and friends, but they’ve already been told that they’re welcome anytime. I really hope they take me up on that invitation as well, because I’m going to really miss them.
But the fresh start has to happen away from the short life I led here with Jace. Everywhere I go reminds me of him, and there’s no getting away from the softball lessons my students have started having with a new coach.
I never would have thought about moving away but for Karen. It was during one of our heart-to-hearts at Golden Circle, that she sat me down and told me to think about starting fresh somewhere else. I’d been shocked that she would suggest that as an option, but the seed had been planted. Two weeks later I’d found a medium-sized colonial style house in Cape Elizabeth, which was close to the beach and I knew it was meant to be.
Jace hasn’t made contact since the letter I received three months earlier, and Ryder only tells me he’s ‘hanging in there’ whenever I ask. I still miss Jace with every breath I take, but I know that he wants me to move on. At this point I’m not sure how well that will work, but I’m finally in a place were I need to try, and succeed.
An arm wraps around my shoulders, and I’m pulled into the heat of Ryder’s chest. “You’re making a big change to your life, Savannah.” He rests his chin on the top of my head as I wrap my arms around his waist. “You’re strong enough now, to try and move on, and I want you to know that I’ll always be a phone call away if you need anything.”
My tears seep out of my eyes and start to soak into his T-shirt as words escape me. Ryder and Dahlia have been my rock following Jace’s departure from my life. Jace leaving hasn’t been easy on Ryder, either. Ryder misses his brother daily, and always looks forward to his weekly phone call to him on Sundays. I wish I had that, but I don’t and it hurts. In the beginning I’d felt jealous of Ryder, but not anymore. I doubt I’d be in a position to move on if I was living for Jace’s call each weekend.
Hearing Tammy chattering, I pull away from Ryder and dry up my tears before she can see that I’ve been crying. I hate her seeing me with tears on my face because it makes her sad. That is something else that needs to change, and hopefully with our move it will.
“You’re looking good, Savannah.” Ryder kisses me on the forehead before he wraps his arm around his wife’s waist.
“Tammy, honey, do you have bunny ready to travel?” I ask, bending down and lifting her into my arms. She’s getting heavier but I still love to hold her close.
“She’s in the car.” Tammy settles with her head on my shoulder, and sighs with contentment.
“I’m looking forward to visiting you,” Dahlia states. “Make sure you sort your guest room out soon because I have a feeling it will be sooner than you think.” She grins.
