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The Dean had been tempted, I saw that written all over his face, but in the end Sawyer resigned and promised to keep his mouth shut as long as I was allowed to continue through to graduation. That’s all he ever wanted...to protect me, and everything that I’ve worked toward.
He’d kissed me as though it would be our last and then walked away, taking my heart with him. No matter how many times I’ve called or messaged him, he has yet to reply. I need him to but I don’t think he will.
He’s completely severed ties between us and it hurts. It hurts a lot. My heart tells me this is only temporary and that we’ll be together once I graduate, but the absence is making me doubt everything that we ever shared. It’s breaking my heart so much so that nothing interests me anymore. And I need to be interested in my thesis.
In two days it has to be handed in to the Dean who has taken over as my adviser. He promised me that he wouldn’t let the past interfere with his grading, and he reminded me that others are present during the oral presentation. I’m just going to have to trust him.
I just can’t find the will to finish it though and here lies the problem. Sawyer threw his job away so that I could carry on and graduate, which should give me what I need to do just that. But after four weeks of not hearing his voice I’ve become very disillusioned and can’t type more than a line or two.
I’m here in Starbucks because I was hoping for some sort of distraction from my thoughts so that I can concentrate on what I need to do. It isn’t working too well. I was stupid to think it would when every direction I look, I see couples whispering together.
Snapping the lid on my laptop closed, I take another glance around and feel tears hovering on my lashes. Then I rapidly blink them away when I spot Pattie walking through the door. I glance behind her in hope, but that’s dashed when the door bangs closed.
Our eyes meet and then she’s moving over to my table. She wraps her arms around me and I freeze, not knowing what the heck to do because I’m so surprised at seeing her.
“I had to interfere.” She rushes on, “Sawyer is looking as bad as you do. This,” she waves her arms around, “is wrong. There is no reason why you can’t have some sort of contact. Surely that can happen without you being together as it where.”
Sighing, I lean against the chair and let my head drop further until I clonk it against the wall. “I’ve messaged and called him. He has no interest in talking to me. I don’t even know where he is because he isn’t at his house. That’s empty.”
“He put his things in storage and he’s been staying with me.” Her lips tighten with anger. “He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and come back for you.”
“He gave up his job for me, Pattie, and I’m trying to make sure that he didn’t do it for nothing.” I hold her gaze and let her see my anguish. “I can’t work. I sit here trying to pull the end of my thesis together and nothing comes. I don’t know what I’m doing without Sawyer.” I offer a mirthless laugh. “He just left. He didn’t even say that I’d see him again or when. He left me Pattie and no matter how many times I tell myself that he did it for me, I’m not sure any of this means anything without him being here. And that’s my problem. Without any word from him, I can’t find the concentration I need to finish this.”
She’s silent and then she takes hold of my hands and matches me with tears in her eyes. “My brother is a lucky man to have you, Andie.”
I pull my hands away. “The thing is I don’t have him...that’s what hurts. I know why he did what he did, but he took all the blame when our relationship or affair, or whatever you want to call it, was mutual. They wouldn’t listen to me and just went ahead with their own plans and agreements. I didn’t get a say in any of it. I hate that they did that, and I hate that Sawyer so easily walked away from me.”
“He didn’t—”
“Yes he did, Pattie. He kissed me goodbye and then left. I haven’t heard one word from him in four weeks. That’s why my concentration is shot to hell. I’m upset. I’m angry. And I hate myself for missing him.”
“But—”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to hear anymore. If he had anything to say to me then he knows where I am and he’s had plenty of time.” I shove my laptop and notebook away. “My heart is broken and I finally realize that who I wanted most in the world doesn’t want me in the same way. Maybe it was just sex to him. Maybe—”
“Don’t you dare say that.” Pattie gets in my face and pokes a finger at me. “You know it was a lot more than that between the two of you. So don’t you dare say that. He’s counting the days until you graduate and I think that’s the only thing keeping him going right now, even though he looks like he lost his best friend...or maybe the woman he loves.” Having the last word she turns tail and disappears as quickly as she appeared.
I’m left floundering like a fish out of water, and more upset than I was when I arrived here. Yes, her words give me hope, but the reality of my situation doesn’t change.
26
Sawyer
Feeling sick to my stomach, I sit at the back of the auditorium during the graduation ceremony. The Chancellor drones on and on, which probably puts everyone to sleep, and the main event starts.
Student after student cross the stage to collect their awards, until it’s finally the graduate students.
My heart pounds in my chest so hard that I’m surprised no one close can hear it, and then there she is, looking so beautiful that my heart stops. Her long dark hair gleams as it bounces against her back when she strides across the stage. She shakes hands with the Dean and slightly turns toward where I know her family are. Flashes go off and then she disappears from sight.
My head dips and my heart sinks as sorrow rushes through me. I should be sitting with them today and not hiding back here. But after what Pattie told me after her visit with Andie, I didn’t want to risk upsetting her on what should be a happy day.
At the time my only thought was to protect the woman I love and leaving her was the only way I could think of doing just that. I hadn’t considered the fact that she would start to imag
ine her life without me. I figured she’d graduate and that I’d be able to come back to her and be welcomed with open arms. My plans changed when Pattie told me the things that Andie said that day in the coffee shop. I’d convinced myself that she’d spoken in anger and not her true feelings. I can hope. Except today isn’t the day to find out.
Today I want her to enjoy her day with her family and as much as it hurts to not be a part of that, I have to walk away.
Slipping out of the door behind me, I move forward and stare out of the windows but I actually see nothing but Andie’s smiling face. She’s in my heart and I hope very soon, in my life.
