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Do you love them, your silent children? Do they love you?
That was what he asked, the sense disentangling itself from an endless echo.
I felt the blood rise to my face. The heat spread out over me like a mask as I looked at him.
All the books in the room were now on the floor. He was a haunt standing in the ruins, a visitant from the devil he believed in. Yet his face was so tender, so young.
The Dark Trick never brings love, you see, it brings only the silence. His voice seemed softer in its soundlessness, clearer, the echo dissipated. We used to say it was Satan's will, that the master and the fledgling not seek comfort in each other. It was Satan who had to be served, after all.
Every word penetrated me. Every word was received by a secret, humiliating curiosity and vulnerability. But I refused to let him see this. Angrily I said:
"What do you want of me?"
It was shattering something to speak. I was feeling more fear of him at this moment than ever during the earlier battles and arguments, and I hate those who make me feel fear, those who know things that I need to know, who have that power over me.
"It is like not knowing how to read, isn't it?" he said aloud. "And your maker, the outcast Magnus, what did he care for your ignorance? He did not tell you the simplest things, did he?"
Nothing in his expression moved as he spoke.
"Hasn't it always been this way? Has anyone ever cared to teach you anything?"
"You're taking these things from my mind. . . " I said. I was appalled. I saw the monastery where I'd been as a boy, the rows and rows of books that I could not read, Gabrielle bent over her books, her back to all of us. "Stop this!" I whispered.
It seemed the longest time had passed. I was becoming disoriented. He was speaking again, but in silence.
They never satisfy you, the ones you make. In silence the estrangement and the resentment only grow.
I willed myself to move but I wasn't moving. I was merely looking at him as he went on.
You long for me and 1 for you, and we alone in all this realm are worthy of each other. Don't you know this?
The toneless words seemed to be stretched, amplified, like a note on the violin drawn out forever and ever.
"This is madness," I whispered. I thought of all the things he had said to me, what he had blamed me for, the horrors the others had described -- that he had thrown his followers into the fire.
"Is it madness?" he asked. "Go then to your silent ones. Even now they say to each other what they cannot say to you. "
"You're lying. . . " I said.
"And time will only strengthen their independence. But learn for yourself. You will find me easily enough when you want to come to me. After all, where can I go? What can I do? You have made me an orphan again. "
"I didn't -- " I said.
"Yes, you did," he said. "You did it. You brought it down. " Still there was no anger. "But I can wait for you to come, wait for you to ask the questions that only I can answer. "
I stared at him for a long moment. I don't know how long. It was as if I couldn't move, and I couldn't see anything else but him, and the great sense of peace I'd known in Notre Dame, the spell he cast, was again working. The lights of the room were too bright. There was nothing else but light surrounding him, and it was as if he were coming closer to me and I to him, yet neither of us was moving. He was drawing me, drawing me towards him.
I turned away, stumbling, losing my balance. But I was out of the room. I was running down the hallway, and then I was climbing out of the back window and up to the roof.
I rode into the Ile de la Cite as if he were chasing me. And my heart didn't stop its frantic pace until I had left the city behind.
Hell's Bells ringing.
The tower was in the darkness against the first glimmer of the morning light. My little coven had already gone to rest in their dungeon crypt.
I didn't open the tombs to look at them, though I wanted desperately to do it, just to see Gabrielle and touch her hand.
I climbed alone towards the battlements to look out at the burning miracle of the approaching morning, the thing I should never see to its finish again. Hell's Bells ringing, my secret music . . .
