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Explain it to me. I thought you were in the very womb of the order, that it was your life.
He shook his head. I was always an unlikely candidate for the Talamasca. I've mentioned how I spent my youth in India. I could have lived my life that way. I'm no scholar in the conventional sense, never was. Nevertheless I am like Faust in the play. I'm old, and I haven't cracked the secrets of the universe. Not at all. I thought I had when I was young. The first time I saw . . . a vision. The first time I knew a witch, the first time I heard the voice of a spirit, the first time I called up a spirit and made it do my bidding. I thought I had! But that was nothing. Those are earthbound things. . . earthbound mysteries. Or mysteries I'll never solve, at any rate.
He paused, as if he wanted to say something more, something in particular. But then he merely lifted the glass and drank almost absently, and this time without the grimace, for that obviously had been for the first drink of the night. He stared at the glass, and refilled it from the decanter.
I hated it that I couldn't read his thoughts, that I caught not the slightest flickering emanations behind his words.
You know why I became a member of the Talamasca? he asked. It had nothing to do with scholarship at all. Never dreamed I'd be confined to the Motherhouse, wading through papers, and typing files into the computer, and sending faxes off all over the world. Nothing like that at all. It started with another hunting expedition, a new frontier, so to speak, a trip to far-off Brazil. That's where I discovered the occult, you might say, in the little crooked streets of old Rio, and it seemed every bit as exciting and dangerous as my old tiger hunts had ever been. That's what drew me-the d
anger. And how I came to be so far from it, I don't know.
I didn't reply, but something came clear to me, that there was obviously a danger in his knowing me. He must have liked the danger. I had thought he was possessed of a scholar's naivete about it, but now this didn't seem to be the case.
Yes, he said at once, his eyes growing wide as he smiled. Exactly. Although I can't honestly believe you'd ever harm me.
Don't deceive yourself, I said suddenly. And you do, you know. You commit the old sin. You believe in what you see. I am not what you see.
How so?
Ah, come now. I look like an angel, but I'm not. The old rules of nature encompass many creatures like me. We're beautiful like the diamond-backed snake, or the striped tiger, yet we're merciless killers. You do let your eyes deceive you. But I don't want to quarrel with you. Tell me this story. What happened in Rio I'm eager to know.
A little sadness came over me as I spoke these words. I wanted to say, if I cannot have you as my vampire companion, then let me know you as a mortal. It thrilled me, softly and palpably, that we sat there together, as we did.
All right, he said, you've made your point and I acknowledge it. Drawing close to you years ago in the auditorium where you were singing, seeing you the very first tune you came to me-it did have the dark lure of danger. And that you tempt me with your offer-that, too, is dangerous, for I am only human, as we both know.
I sat back, a little happier, lifting my leg and digging my heel into the leather seat of the old chair. I like people to be a little afraid of me, I said with a shrug. But what happened in Rio?
I came full in the face of the religion of the spirits; he said. Candomble. You know the word?
Again I gave a little shrug. Heard it once or twice, I said. I'll go there sometime, maybe soon. I thought in a flash of the big cities of South America, of her rain forests, and of the Amazon. Yes, I had quite an appetite for such an adventure,
and the despair that had carried me down into the Gobi seemed very far away. I was glad I was still alive, and quietly I refused to be ashamed.
Oh, if I could see Rio again, he said softly, more to himself than to me. Of course, she isn't what she was in those days. She's a world of skyscrapers now and big luxury hotels. But I would love to see that curving shoreline again, to see Sugar Loaf Mountain, and the statue of Christ atop Corcovado. I don't believe there is a more dazzling piece of geography on earth. Why did I let so many years go by without returning to Rio?
Why can't you go anytime that you wish? I asked. I felt a strong protectiveness for him suddenly. Surely that bunch of monks in London can't keep you from going. Besides, you're the boss.
He laughed in the most gentlemanly manner. No, they wouldn't stop me, he said. It's whether or not I have the stamina, both mental and physical. But that's quite beside the point here, I wanted to tell you what happened. Or perhaps it is the point, I don't know.
You have the means to go to Brazil if you want to?
Oh, yes, that has never been an issue. My father was a clever man when it came to money. As a consequence I've never had to give it much thought.
I'd put the money in your hands if you didn't have it.
He gave me one of his warmest, most tolerant smiles. I'm old, he said, I'm lonely, and something of a fool, as any man must be if he has any wisdom at all. But I'm not poor, thank heaven.
So what happened to you in Brazil How did it begin?
He started to speak, then fell silent.
You really mean to remain here To listen to what I have to say?
Yes, I said immediately. Please. I realized I wanted nothing more in all the world. I had not a single plan or ambition in my heart, not a thought for anything else but being here with him. The simplicity of it stunned me somewhat.
Still he seemed reluctant to confide in me. Then a subtle change came over him, a sort of relaxation, a yielding perhaps.
Finally he began.
