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Prologue
Andy
Death. It is the only certainty in life.
It’s such a small word that holds such a powerful message. We avoid talking about it and we fear it, because we’re taught to do so, because nobody really knows what happens when you die. It’s that uncertainty that is so terrifying.
It’s amazing how being told you’re going to die puts things into perspective.
How being told your body is going to slowly give up on you makes you reevaluate everything that you thought you knew. Things you take for granted suddenly seem so fragile. The worst part isn’t the thought of dying itself, it’s everything you’re going to be leaving behind.
My name’s Andy Grayson. I’m twenty-six, and I’m dying. God, saying that still freaks me out. I don’t know how long I have left. A month—maybe two—if I’m lucky. For a long time, I was angry: I’ve been fighting this fucking disease since I was seventeen and it was finally going to win. I had nothing else to fight with because it had taken everything.
Then I realized that this was no longer about me. I couldn’t save myself, but I could make sure the people I loved were taken care of. This became less about what I was losing, and more about what I could gain.
That’s when I decided I was going to do this on my terms.
Em is my girlfriend and I love her with everything I have in me. She wasn’t just my girl, though; she was my one of my best friends, my lover, my confidante, my partner in crime, and there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.
And then there’s Seth: we’d been best friends for so long he was like a brother to me, and I knew he felt the same. As kids we’d gotten into more trouble than I cared to mention and before I die I intend on getting him into some more—for old times’ sake and all that shit.
Without them by my side, I wouldn’t have fought for this long. They sacrificed so much for me and now it was time for me to return the favor.
I couldn’t leave them without knowing the two people closest to my heart would be okay. I needed that assurance before I settled back and let this fucking disease take me—finish me off for all eternity…
Chapter One
Seth
“You want me to what?”
I watched as Andy hoisted himself from the edge of the bed and into his chair. He winced in pain, which in turn made me cringe. I couldn’t even imagine how much he would be hurting right now. He sighed, closing his eyes as he struggled to catch his breath, his white shirt and sweat pants hanging off his thin frame.
“You heard me. I’ll be fucked if I’m going to spend my last days cooped up in this place, or worse: a hospital.” He said hospital like it was a dirty word. I guess when you’d spent a good part of the last year there, it was.
“Dude, there is no way your mom is going to let—”
“Which is why you’re going to pick me up tonight after they are asleep,” he cut in, his eyes wide with excitement. The hell I am. He smiled one of his trademark smiles that you couldn’t help but return.
He can smile all he wants; this is a stupid idea.
Andy’s parents loved me like a son. They’d forgive me for almost anything, but this? They would kill me for this.
Andy’s face softened as he looked at me. “Please, man. I need this,” he urged.
I sighed. How could I say no to that? He was the one dying, not me. What right did I have, telling him how he should spend his last few weeks?
“Fine,” I muttered, giving in. “Where do you want to go?” I sat down on the edge of his bed and glanced around the room. The smell of disinfectant was strong, and both the bedside and dressing tables were piled high with medications. I’d spent so much of my childhood inside this room, from plotting how to take over the world to discussing girls, sex, and video games. Now all those memories felt like a lifetime ago.
We’d been best friends since we were thrown together for a school assignment when we were eight. We were complete opposites. Andy was loud and funny. He loved being the center of attention, whereas I preferred to hide in the background.
He was like a brother to me. I’d do anything for him—even break him out of home, if that’s what it took to make his last few weeks comfortable.
Fucking cancer. He’d been fighting it since it first reared its ugly head when we were seventeen. What seventeen-year-old worries about shit like a tiny, barely visible mole on the inside of his big toe? Apparently Andy should have, because by the time they discovered the melanoma it had already spread to his pancreas.
Treatment had gone well initially: the intense radiation and chemo had shrunk the tumor, and a biopsy had caught most of the infected tissue around the mole. He had gone into remission the week before my twenty-first birthday. Then, nearly a year ago, a routine scan found the cancer was back. More tumors developed on his lungs and in his liver, which meant more chemo, more radiation, and now it had come to this. There was nothing else they could do but manage the pain. At best, they thought he had maybe a month left. The cancer was everywhere now: in his brain, his lungs, his liver, on his spine . . . everything was slowly beginning to shut down. He was dying.
“Everything is booked and paid for. All you guys have to do is get me out of here.” He grinned and cocked his head sideways, running his fingers through his short-cropped hair. “You can handle that, right? I mean, I know you have trouble with doing anything fun,” he joked. I flipped him my middle finger as he laughed. “Dude, I’m gonna miss your ugly face.”
“You’ll be dead,” I retorted, a heavy weight growing in my chest. “You’re not going to miss shit.”
We joked about it, but I couldn’t imagine life without Andy. The thought of not being able to pick up the phone and call him, or come over and watch the game with him didn’t feel real. Who was I going to make fun of for doing stupid and pointless things, if not Andy? Who was I going to do stupid and pointless things with?
“So Em is coming too?” I asked, clearing my throat, trying to keep my tone neutral. Just saying her name had my heart racing, but that was nothing new. Everything about that girl made me crazy. Whether she was there in front of me, or in my dreams, her beauty, her strength, and her determination never failed to amaze me. My grandmother used to tell me that I’d know when I was in love, because every action and thought would be done with that person in mind. That summed up how I felt about Em.
Andy snorted. “Of course she’s coming. You think my parents will be unforgiving? Em would fucking murder you if we left without her.” He chuckled, his dry, cracked lips forming a smile.
That was an understatement. She might have been Andy’s girlfriend, but the three of us did pretty much everything together, and had since we were kids. I ran my hand through my thick hair, trying to process everything. I’d need to take leave from work. If they didn’t approve it, I would just quit. Nothing was more important than Andy right now.
For the past nine months I’d been working at a law firm that specialized in corporate law for. Most people would fin
d what I did boring, but I loved it. By most people, I meant Andy. He’d also studied law, but he had much higher aspirations than me. His eyes had been on the courtroom, the biggest cases—the ones that captured the headlines. Andy loved the spotlight, and I didn’t doubt he would’ve gotten there, too, if it hadn’t been for his illness.
