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I swallowed, nodding my head. I knew we had to leave.
Seth sat up and reached for my jacket, carefully arranging it over my shoulders. “It’s cold out,” he said, his voice gruff.
***
Everyone was staring at me. I could feel their eyes on me as I sat down in the front row of the church—eyes full of pity and sadness. They felt sorry for me. I was the girl who had lost both parents tragically, and now I was burying my boyfriend. Only I didn’t want their pity.
All I wanted was Andy.
My gaze locked on the white coffin that lay in front of me. An array of lilacs and white roses had expertly been arranged on top, and a framed photo of Andy sat in the center. I studied the picture. It was from a year ago, before the cancer had come back. He looked happy.
I felt Seth’s hand close over my own. I glanced up at him. He smiled, his eyes empty. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles around them before. He looked about how I felt. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, imagining that it was Andy sitting next to me, supporting me.
I don’t remember much of the service. I remember standing up in front, staring at the white and brass coffin that lay in front of me, my heart broken. All I could think about was him, lying inside that wooden box. I’d never see him again. I’d never feel his touch against me. I’d never kiss those lips again. I trailed my finger along the edge of coffin as tears rolled down my cheeks. Seth stood next to me, his eyes red and swollen. His hand never left mine.
People stood up to talk about what a brave, wonderful man he had been. There were so many people crammed into that tiny church that it was ridiculous. I wanted to laugh. Most of these people I’d never even met. How could they stand there and mourn him when they’d obviously not cared enough to see him during his illness?
I felt Seth shift in his seat next to me. He was the only one who understood. Regardless of what had happened in the last few days, Seth was the only thing keeping me going right then. Everything else felt numb…dead. How did trivial shit like living and breathing matter anymore? Simple: it didn’t.
“Are you okay for a minute?” Seth mumbled to me.
I nodded, confused. What was he doing? I watched him as he stood up and straightened his suit jacket. He walked over to the edge of the stage and whispered something to the minister, who nodded.
He’s going to speak.
He cleared his throat and adjusted the microphone. “I wasn’t planning on speaking. I don’t have anything prepared, but I wanted to say something.”
He lifted his head and stared at me, as if I were the only person in the church. I smiled and nodded, wiping away what felt like a never-ending stream of tears. The church was so quiet you could hear the sound of his breathing through the speakers. Taking a breath, he continued.
“I thought I was prepared to lose my best friend. His death wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t unexpected. I’d had plenty of time to ready myself for what I knew was eventually going to happen. But you can never really prepare yourself to lose someone. No matter how much warning you have, or how often you tell yourself they’re in a better place now, it still sucks and it still hurts.” My heart jumped as his voice broke. His gaze fell to the floor before he took another deep breath and continued. “I was lucky to have eighteen years with Andy. I try and tell myself that I was lucky to have known him at all, but I’m selfish. I wanted more. He was the kind of guy who put everyone else before himself. His biggest worry was being forgotten, but as anyone who really knew him would know, he was unforgettable.”
He raised his head and looked me in the eyes as I struggled to control my sobbing.
“Andy, you were one in a million. I loved you like a brother and I’m forever grateful of all the wonderful memories you’ve left me with.”
A loud cry escaped from me as he walked over and touched the coffin.
“I love you, man,” he whispered.
He walked back over to me. I stood up, wrapping my arms around him as I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan began to drift through the speakers. Until then, I’d been barely holding it together. But as the lyrics floated around me, I lost it completely. I began to bawl. Seth closed the small gap between us, wrapping his arms even tighter around me. This isn’t happening. Any moment I was going to wake up, and it would all be over. Life couldn’t be this cruel.
Only it was happening. And there was nothing I could do to change that.
***
After the service, we sat in the kitchen at his parents’ house. I was sick of smiling. I was sick of pretending to every person that approached me that I was okay.
Because I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t ever be again.
Seth sat next to me. He held my hand under the table, every now and then squeezing it just to let me know he was there for me. There were people everywhere, but I had never felt more alone. With the exception of Seth, none of these people understood. I hated thinking it, but not even Deb could understand this.
“Do you need to get some air?” Seth asked. I nodded. He stood up, and I moved with him. I followed wordlessly as he led me outside, down the back toward the huge oak tree. We sat down, me snuggled into the crest of his arm.
“We used to climb this tree all the time. See who could go higher. Deb used to come out and yell at us.” He glanced up and smiled. “See that branch?” I nodded. “When he was nine, he fell off that branch and broke his arm.”
I smiled, finding the sound of Seth’s chuckling soothing.
“I remember spending every weekend down at the skate park with you two, because Andy had insisted if I wanted to be in your group then I had to,” I smiled, wiping away tears.
