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“I think it’s a natural instinct, to want to protect him,” I mumbled, the words flowing thickly past my lips.
“I imagine that’s what it’s like to have a baby. Those first few weeks where every moment they sleep, you worry.” She laughed lightly. “I’d make the worst mother. I’d be in there shaking her awake, just to make sure she was still with me. Or him.”
“You’d make the best mother,” I replied, my voice soft.
She smiled at me again, her green eyes lighting up.
“It’s true.” I shrugged. “You’re one of the most caring people I know.”
“Thanks. Though I feel like I’ll never . . . I don’t know. You don’t need to hear this.” She turned away from me, staring out the window, trying to hide the tears that were rolling down her cheeks.
I wanted to comfort her. I so badly wanted to just take her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be all right, but I was frozen. I was unable to move, my hands clutching the steering wheel, my mind unable to focus on anything other than Andy, sprawled out on my back seat.
I was an asshole. The worst kind of friend.
Because my want to help her, that desire to be there for her was so strong . . . I could paint it however I liked: deep down I knew that it had less to do with being a good friend and everything to do with being that person that she needed.
Lifting my hand off the wheel, I reached over and touched her arm. She jumped, but let my fingers trail down to hers. I held her hand and tried to force myself not to think about the electricity pulsating through my body at the feel of her touch. It was hopeless. It was like standing in a rainstorm and pretending you weren’t getting wet. It was impossible for my body not to react to her.
“It’ll be okay, Em. I’ll be here for you—for both of you.”
“I don’t know how you’re so calm,” she replied. Gathering her hair over one shoulder, she sighed. “I’m a mess. Every time I kiss him I wonder if it will be our last. I can’t sleep, because what if he goes in the middle of the night, and I’m not there for him?”
“You’re going to run yourself into the ground.” Into the ground? I cringed. Great choice of words.
“At least then I won’t be alone,” she whispered. That was it. She never stopped, because when she did the reality became all too real.
“You’ll never be alone. You’ll always have me. And Deb, and Karl.”
She nodded, a smile plastered on her lips, but the sadness in her eyes remained. I knew it wasn’t the same, but she had no idea how loved she actually was. She thought losing Andy would make her alone, but that was so far from the truth. And she would never know that.
Because if there was one thing worse than being in love with your dying best friend’s girl, it was telling her that after he was gone.
Chapter Four
Emily
We’d been driving for hours. Andy still hadn’t given us an exact address, but I suspected we were headed for the beach. I wasn’t sure why, but it just seemed like a very Andy place to go to die.
When I used to visit him on the weekends back in college, we’d get up early and lay on the beach, tangled in each other’s arms, watching the sunrise. Those moments had been perfect. He’d beaten cancer once, so in my eyes he was invincible.
I’d give anything to be able to erase those memories and experience them all again for the first time. To experience again how romantic he could be, or how sweet his kisses could taste. Or how it could feel like the whole world stopped when my head rested against his chest and I listened to the beat of his heart.
Or how broken I would be without him.
But I couldn’t, and as hard as it was, I had to try
and make these last few weeks special for him. It was selfish for me to think of myself when he was the one dying.
***
I quickly reached across and punched Seth square in the shoulder. Hard. He laughed as I pointed to the red Jeep that was flying past us in the other direction. Andy was still sleeping, and Seth and I had resorted to childish car games to pass the time.
His fist came out of nowhere and connected with my arm. I instinctively grabbed at it, my eyes narrowing in on him. He nodded ahead to the silver Jeep in front of us. I laughed. Shit. How did I miss that one?
“Okay, we need a new game or you’re going to end up covered in bruises,” he said, his lips turning up into a cocky grin.
I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to hide my amusement. “Me? You’re getting just as many punches as I am,” I retorted.
