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“Fuck!” I cursed, not seeing an escape. Slowly, with one foot placed tentatively in front of the other, I made my way out of the water. I was shaking so badly, I almost lost my balance.
“What the fuck you are you doing? Do you think Belle would want you to be like this?” he asked, throwing his jacket around my wet shoulders. I didn’t respond, unable to talk because I was so fucking cold.
He led me inside and sat me down next to the heater, which he ramped up. He wrapped blankets around me and made me a cup of tea. Slowly my body temperature began to return to normal. The whole time, I didn’t say a word. I just stared blankly at the floor.
“Jack, please talk to me,” Luke begged me. He tried to reach for my hand but I pulled it away.
“I can’t,” I said hoarsely.
“She would’ve forgiven you. You know that, right? She loved you.” He knew? I glanced up at him. If he knew what I had done, then why the hell was he here? Why did he care so much about what happened to me?
“I killed her. She’s dead, and it’s my fault.” I said the words like it was that simple—as if there were no other possible explanation.
“It was an accident. A tragic accident. What you don’t know is that her tire blew out. That is what caused her to crash. Not you.” His words registered in my head. I turned to him.
“Which tire? Which tire was it?” I asked angrily. Luke looked confused, but he answered the question.
“The front left. Why?” he asked. I shook my head. The same tire that brought us together had ripped us apart.
“The day I met Belle, I gave her a lift home because her tire had a flat. The front left tire.”
“Jack, you need to pull yourself together. You need to do it for Belle. The funeral is tomorrow and you need to be there. If you don’t go, you will regret it, you know that.”
I nodded. I would regret it, but I wasn’t sure if I could say goodbye to her just yet.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I glanced around the church, unable to shake the feeling that I didn’t belong there. My expression was grim, which matched my mood perfectly. There were about thirty people, just close friends and family. How Luke had managed to get me on the list, I had no idea.
Surely it looked odd that I was here. Why would I have felt the nee
d to go? As far as everyone knew, I was a future co-godparent who had met Belle twice. When Luke first told me her family knew nothing about our relationship, I was angry. I felt like they deserved to know what had happened. He hadn’t even told Sally.
The hardest part was not showing any emotion. I didn’t trust myself not to lose it completely, so I forced myself to show nothing at all. I stood alone at the back of the church, staring at her coffin and the pink and white roses that covered it.
I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to her, I need more time. Turning around, I went to leave and smacked hard into someone. I mumbled an apology. The person touched my shoulder. I glanced up.
“Alex?” I asked. I hadn’t seen my brother in two years. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me. The moment his arms wrapped around me, that was it—I couldn’t pretend anymore. I began to sob, not caring how loud I was or how it looked. For once I didn’t give a shit about appearances.
“It’s okay,” Alex soothed, his hold on me strengthening. “You need to do this, Jack. You’ll never move on if you don’t say goodbye.”
I nodded. He was right: I couldn’t move on if I didn’t say goodbye, but I didn’t want to move on.
He stood beside me through the service, his hand in mine, letting me know he was there for me. It was over quickly. Her mother spoke about her achievements, and Sally read a eulogy. I silently went through my own list of things to remember about Belle. The service was to be followed by a private burial with just immediate family.
Luke came up to me and hugged me. “I’m sorry, man. I wish you could be there,” he said, his voice breaking. I wiped my eyes, which were red and puffy.
“Why don’t you hate me, Luke? I need you to hate me right now,” I mumbled.
“I don’t hate you because this is not your fault,” he answered. “Am I pissed at you for what you did? Yeah, but I don’t hate you. And I know nothing I can say could ever come close to what you are putting yourself through.”
He had that much right. I was punishing myself more than anyone else ever could, and even then it wasn’t enough. I nodded numbly as Luke and Alex shook hands.
“I better get back to Sally. Keep in touch, okay?” he said to both Alex and me.
***
“Let me drive,” Alex said, patting my arm. I handed him the keys and slipped into the passenger seat. “Are you okay, Jack?” he asked, hesitantly.
