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I didn't even know where to start with him. I knew I felt something, and sometimes I thought he did too, but then he'd act in a completely different way. He was stubborn, sure of himself and extremely private but then I'd see glimpses of this sensitive, sweet guy who cared about others. And those moments made my heart race.
Maybe it was all in my head, all those little moments we shared. Like tonight, when he’d touched my back. Did he seem jealous that Luis had been flirting with me? I'd snuck glances at him before he came over, and he looked angry.
Why did he get to me so badly when I wasn't even interested in a relationship with anyone right now? Or ever. God, I couldn't even handle friendships. Most of my friends had deserted me over the years following my suicide attempts, and those who hadn't I'd pushed away in fear of them getting too close to me. Admitting I was attracted to someone was a huge step for me. Making a move would be near impossible.
All my life I'd felt like everything was an act. Nothing was real. I felt like I was forever putting on a front, pretending everything was perfect. Why did I feel like that?
The only things that made me feel like I had a place in this world were my songs. Some days, all I did was sit holed up in my room, writing song after song. As creepy as it was, I'd even written and recorded a series of songs for my funeral.
How fucking morbid was that?
I slowly drifted off to sleep, ignoring the pool of tears forming on my pillow.
* * *
Getting up at seven for my first shift at the diner was hell, but by halfway through I was surprised to find that I was enjoying myself. According to Reena, most of the people who came in were workers from around the area, which meant we got a lot of professionals in. Occasionally I’d end up out front waitressing when things got really busy.
I spent most of my time out back, helping to prep the meals. Cooking was nothing new for me; I'd been preparing my own meals since I could remember. It was something I actually enjoyed. There was something therapeutic about starting and finishing something in a short amount of time.
Reena and her family were nice, and since we were scheduled on for the same shifts I was looking forward to getting to know her. I was keen to push myself out of my comfort zone and make some friends. She was twenty, and had dropped out of college to help her mother after her father had died. She helped care for her six brothers and sisters; while also helping out at the diner.
I filled the dishwasher as Reena came over with another stack of dishes. One good thing about this job was that time went relatively fast. “You were right,” I chuckled, “it does get busy in here.”
Reena laughed. “See, I told you. We are one of the only cafes on this strip, so we get all the local workers coming in for their coffee fix. How are you enjoying it?”
“It’s really good. I love that it’s pretty much non-stop. I think I’ll be quite happy here, if you guys are willing to give me a shot.”
“Don’t worry Rose, you’ve got the job.” She winked at me and picked up the two plates of pancakes waiting to go out. I stood there smiling like an idiot. Sure, it was just a part time job in a diner, but it felt good to finally be supporting myself.
#
After my shift, I went home and quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a blue shirt. Grabbing my hairbrush I ran it through my long locks, before wrapping them up in a loose bun. My hair often had a mind of its own, so when strands began to fall around my face I just left them. I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I rarely wore make-up, but today I decided I wanted to. I ran my lip gloss over my lips and brushed on some eye shadow, which made my eyes pop. Throwing the make-up back in my room, I grabbed my purse and left.
I was meeting Alex for more ‘therapy.’ He'd suggested we meet for lunch in the park, and I'd agreed. Arriving at Mansfield Park a few minutes early, I spotted him setting up what looked like a picnic in the shade of a big oak tree. He waved at me, which made me grin. I liked Alex. He was a good guy. And hot to look at…like his brother.
"Hey." I grinned, dropping down on the red-and-white checkered blanket opposite him. I glanced around. The park was pretty busy, with lots of children playing on the nearby playground. The park also had a decent bike and walking track that snaked around the lake, so it was popular with fitness people. I’d never been much into fitness. I had played basketball as a teenager, but that was where my athleticism ended.
"I hope you like chicken and lettuce sandwiches," Alex’s voice brought me back
down to reality. He’d made sandwiches? That was so cute. Not only that, but he had what looked like carrot cake, juice, and even some fruit. He had gone to a lot of trouble for a therapy session. That should’ve made me uncomfortable, but it didn’t. I felt like I could relax around Alex.
"I love them. My favorite." Said. Then I giggled. “I think it’s cute, the difference in our cultures. Like you call these ‘chicken and lettuce’ whereas I’d just call it chicken.”
I reached over to the container housing them and selecting the once that looked like it had the most chicken. I was starving, and I wasn’t afraid to eat in front of a cute guy.
He laughed. “Well I might’ve been here for over six years, but I’m still British at heart. How was your first shift?” he asked me, biting into a sandwich.
My first thought was does he mean the diner or the bar? Then I quickly remembered that he only knew about the bar. I covered my mouth as I swallowed. Why did people always ask questions when your mouth was full?
“It was good. So busy, but that was what I needed to keep my mind off things like screwing up my first shift.”
Alex laughed. “Well, from what I hear you did pretty damn well.”
My ears pricked up. Had Jack told him that? The thought of Jack talking about me made my skin tingle.
“Yeah, well, I have to keep it up, right?”
Alex smiled. “How have you been feeling? How's the anxiety?” he asked, reaching for another sandwich. He offered me the container. I shook my head; I needed to save some room for that cake.
