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Alex walked in just as I finished planning for the second function. He looked around, surprised that I had closed so early.
“Beer?” I asked him, standing up. I stretched my legs, my left one cramping from sitting down for so long. He nodded and sat down in one of the booths lining the side wall. I carried over the beers, pushing his across to him.
“Quiet night?”
I nodded. “I'm going to start closing Monday through to Wednesday. I'll move Tuesday’s open mic to Sunday. That’ll give me a couple of days to recover, and I can concentrate on making this the place to be on the weekends.” My words surprised even me. I was sounding organized. I was less focused on what wasn’t working, and more on how I could make things better.
“Sounds like a plan,” Alex agreed. “You've been working way too hard anyway; a few days off will do you good,” he added, his eyebrow lifting. I shrugged. “You okay? You seem . . . down. If it's this place, don't worry. You're doing more than well enough to cover a few days off during the week.”
“No, it's not work. It’s Rose.” I rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the sudden headache that had shot across my eyes. "What’s her deal, Alex?" I asked him.
"You know I can’t tell you that," he sighed, leaning back on his chair. His eyes grew serious as he looked at me.
"Should I be worried about her?" I asked.
He looked at me, surprised. "Are you worried about her?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Do you like her, Jack?"
"I'm her boss. If she's in trouble, then I want to help," I replied, ignoring the question.
"Why the fuck can't you just admit you like her?" he growled. His fist came down hard on the wooden surface of the table. I rarely saw my brother react, but here he was, frustrated at my stubbornness. Why was he so invested in this?
"Because it’s none of your fucking business!" I yelled. I took a breath and closed my eyes, trying to calm the anger that was pulsing through my veins. "Is she in trouble?"
"Jack, I can't tell you that." He responded, looking away from me. "If you think she might be in some kind of trouble, ask her. Talk to her, not me. I can't tell you anything.” Silence followed his statement. He was right, but I was still so pissed off — more with myself, than anyone else.
“We slept together,” I mumbled.
“What?” Alex said, his voice almost a shout. I looked at him, surprised by his reaction. Sure, I'd expected some shit from him, but he sounded way more emotional than he should have.
“When? So you do fucking like her, and don't deny it, Jack.”
“I like her. But that's irrelevant. I'm so messed up.”
His expression softened and I saw the last thing I wanted to see in his eyes; pity. I didn't need anyone feeling sorry for me. Pity was for the weak. For people out of control. I wasn't that person. I'd worked my ass off to get away from that person.
“You're not messed up, Jack. You were hurt. Lots of people get hurt, man, you need to put yourself out there again.” He paused for a minute. “You're not the guy you were three years ago.”
“How different am I?” I challenged. “If anything, I'm more fucked up than I was back then.”
“Do you still think about her?” he asked gently.
I thought about lying and saying no. But then I thought, what’s the fucking point?
“Every day. Every day I run through those last twenty-four hours. Every single day I think about what I had and how I lost it. Every fucking day I think about my last words to her. And that makes me realize I don't deserve to be happy.”
“So you think Rose could make you happy?”
I shot him a look. “I think I would ruin her,” I responded coldly. Just like I did Belle.
Alex shook his head. “See, I think you're scared. I think Rose makes you feel something you haven't felt since Belle, and I think that scares the hell out of you. This bullshit about you not deserving to be happy? I think that's all just a cover to protect yourself from getting hurt.” He stood up and leaned across the table, his eyes level with mine. “But you know what? Some things are worth risking getting hurt for. You fucked up. But learn from it, goddammit! Learn from that and move on. Do things right this time. Don't you think its worse not moving on? Doesn't that make everything that happened with Belle worthless?”
I didn't answer. Alex sighed and shook his head. What he didn't realize was just how deeply his words had affected me. He reached for the last of his beer and gulped it down.
“I gotta go.” Grabbing his jacket, he turned to face me. “I can't tell you what you want to hear about Rose, but what I can tell you is this; don't fuck with her. She is too special of a person to get lost in your shit.”
I watched Alex walk out the door, wondering to myself just how long my brother had been in love with Rose.
Looking back, the signs had been there for a while now—I'd just been too self-absorbed to realize. So now I was not only an asshole in general, but I was also quite possibly the worst brother in the world. Alex hadn't had much in the way of a girlfriend since he broke up with Carolyn, the girl he followed to the States. He’d had a few dates here and there, but nothing long-term and, to my knowledge, no real interest in being in a relationship.
