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Focus.
Focus on one thing. Anything.
I thought back to before. I was twelve. It was Christmas morning. I loved Christmas. It had still been dark when I sneaked downstairs to gently shake the presents. There were lots of them. As an only child, I was spoilt rotten on Christmas, and a week later on my birthday. This would be my last Christmas before the attack. The last Christmas I'd find joy in the little things, such as baking gingerbread cookies with mom, or hunting for a tree in the forest with dad.
“Hold onto my arm Miss. I will guide you down.” I nodded, gripping his forearm so tightly he winced in pain. I couldn't let go. I couldn't. We moved down the hallway, to the lift. I pushed my mind back to my memory.
Mom had come down shortly after six. I was sitting on the couch with our cat Larry in my lap, waiting impatiently.
“Where is dad?” I'd asked, a hint of annoyance in my voice.
“On his way.” She smiled, heading into the kitchen. I pushed aside Larry and followed her in. I sat at the counter watching her make breakfast. A Christmas tradition, we stuffed ourselves with bacon, eggs, pancakes, hash browns, and on top of all that, we still found room for mom’s amazing blueberry waffles.
“Merry Christmas!”
I raced over and hugged dad, more excited about the fact that I'd soon be able to open my presents. I had been hinting for a discman. Jane and I had both decided that's what we wanted. I would be shattered if she got one and I didn't. Mom set the bacon in the oven.
“How about we open presents now?” She smiled at me. Before she was even answered, I had raced into the living room and taken my place under the tree. Mom and dad joined me. I began handing out presents. As usual, I left mine in a pile at my side until the last of the presents were gone. Then I began to unwrap. Clothes. Underwear. Bras (I had stashed them away under the clothes quickly, embarrassed).
Then finally, a box. I had ripped it open. I was sure this was my discman. It was the right shape and size. When I opened the box, my heart fell. It was a necklace. With a little diamond pearl drop. It was beautiful. But it wasn't a disc-man.
“Thanks.” I smiled brightly, hoping my disappointment wasn't visible. I put the necklace on, forcing myself to smile.
“Miss? Where do you want to go?”
A new image broke through my memory. A taxi. I was in a taxi. My breathing got heavier, I bit down hard on my lip. A pain shot through my head as my vision started to swirl.
Shit.
Not now. Not now.
“Do you need me to come with you?” I looked up. The doorman was looking down at me, a gentle smile on his face. He felt sorry for me. Of course he did. I was the girl who never left the apartment. They had probably ran a pool on what was wrong with me. I wonder who picked nutcase.
Winner.
My head nodded. Words weren't working for me right now.
“Sunny hill Caravan Park. On 79.” He ordered, sliding in beside me. He had taken his cap off. His silver hair still slicked back, the odd curl falling around his ear. He was a nice man. About 60 or so. I hadn't seen him before. Not that I saw many of the doormen.
“Are you married?” I asked. I was surprised by my own question. He too looked surprised. Then he smiled. He pulled a picture out of his wallet. I examined
the image. It was him, maybe four or five years younger. Next to him stood a woman. She was attractive, even with her hair up I could tell it was long and curly. Two girls stood either side of their mother.
Both had the same blonde hair and blue eyes as their mother. They could have been twins, but for one being taller and looking slightly older. I handed him back the picture. The cab began to pull away, causing my stomach to surge.
I clenched my fists on the base of the seat, squeezing until my knuckles turned white. Breathe. Breathe. I repeated. I drifted back to that Christmas.
After breakfast, mom had disappeared while dad got the car ready for our trip to Uncle Bills. I was looking forward to seeing my cousins, but not the drive there. I hadn't noticed mom come back into the room.
“Santa must have forgotten this one.” She winked. I took the gift with both hands, almost scared to open it. Could it be? I gently unwrapped the paper. And there it was. A brand new discman. I shrieked, jumping up and dancing around.
“Thank you, thank you!” I twirled, hugging the box to my stomach. “This is the best Christmas ever.”
I ran my hand up and clasped onto the diamond pearl pendant that hung around my neck, my fingers rolling the smooth gem. I glanced out the window. How I wished I could go back to that Christmas.
“Miss? We are here.” Gary, as the doorman introduced himself as earlier, tapped my shoulder softly. I must have fallen asleep, I realised, my eyes trying to adjust to the dimly lit park. The valium I'm sure weren't helping.
“Are you meeting someone?”
