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There were some people I couldn't fool though, like Simon and Cass. If I spent all day, every day, outside I still couldn't trick either of them into believing I was better. Now with this pregnancy, I had a whole new set of things to worry about, like whether I was actually even going to be a mother or not. There were so many things that could go wrong, it was hard not to focus on the negative.
Since Derek was killed, my nightmares had subsided, but it was like my mind had replaced one set of worries for another. All the time and effort I'd spent worrying about Derek and his release were now put into worrying about this baby, worrying about whether I could be the wife and mother that this baby, Simon and Maddie deserved and worrying about everything in general.
For ten years I'd been so sure that all my problems centered around Derek and my attack and while I'm sure they played a big part in shaping my anxiety and the way I dealt with things, the fact was there was never going to be an end or a magic fix. There was always going to be something for me to focus on, something to turn around in my mind, something to drive myself crazy with. That was the biggest thing I needed to comprehend, I was never going to be better. The best outcome for me was to learn how to manage my anxieties.
Dealing with my agoraphobia felt like a double edged sword. On one side, I was gaining control of my life by not letting it beat me, but on the other side, I felt like I was losing control of the only thing that made sense to me.
Confusing right? The only way I would improve, was to work through the issues behind the symptoms. That’s all this all was when you broke it down, a symptom.
As I walked down the path toward her car, I forced myself to focus on the good things I noticed, like the smell of rain in the air, the feeling of the wind gently blowing in my hair. Catching Cass glance at me, I gave her a smile.
"I'm okay," I said. She smiled back, words not necessary to show her encouragement.
Simon being away so much for work, meant Cass had stepped up big time to be my support. While Tom and I were still friends, he and Cass being together had affected the dynamics of our relationship. Losing that closeness with Tom was sad, but it had made my relationship with Cass that much stronger, something I hadn’t even known was possible. We’d always shared everything, but now it was like on a completely different level.
It felt weird and awkward to share my deepest and darkest feelings with Tom, when Cass was sharing private information about their relationship with me, information that meant I couldn’t look at Tom sometimes without laughing. Last week Cass had insisted on telling me all about the fantasy she and Tom had played out. Let’s just say it involved nipples, shaving cream and a sizeable dildo.
That girl had no shame.
I stepped off the sidewalk and made my way around the car, my hand never losing contact with the shiny metallic surface of the car. Once I reached the door, I quickly opened it and climbed inside, locking the door, my throat constricting as I fought to breathe.
Focus Em. You did it. You made it.
Breathing heavily, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Part one of this outing complete.
Chapter Three
Emma
The clinic was only a ten minute drive from our house, across from the beach and just up from the mall. It was only my second time here. My Obstetrician was a lovely woman named Teresa Lewis who had come highly recommended to us by Doctor Lazonski, a friend of Simon's we had been seeing when we lived back in the city.
Once we had ‘officially’ moved, it made more sense for a local clinic, especially considering the high risk of my pregnancy. My appointments were every two weeks and so far everything was going well. That didn't stop the niggling worry in the back of my mind. There was a part of me that was just waiting for everything to go wrong. Things felt so right and that was a feeling I wasn't used to. Things never went this well, not for me anyway.
When Simon and I first discovered we were pregnant, it had been a shock to say the least. I was attacked as a child and it had left my insides pretty messed up. I'd been told by numerous specialists that I'd never be able to have children. That had been something that had cut me deep, because like most girls, I'd wanted to be a mother someday.
Having that taken away from me had been one of the worst things about the attack. Not to take away from the horrific things I experienced during my three day abduction, but to some degree at least, I was able to get past what happened to me, but not being able to have children was like this constant reminder to me of what he’d taken.
Then I found out I was pregnant.
Getting that chance, but having to wait forty weeks to see if my dream was going to be realized was cruel, especially since both doctors had told me I had a twenty percent chance of carrying this baby to full term without complications.
Every day that passed those odds increased slightly, but to be honest even ninety-nine percent wouldn’t relax me. I wouldn't relax until I was holding my baby in my arms and who was I kidding, even then I'd find something to worry about. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt truly relaxed.
Cass pulled into the parking lot behind the hospital.
"I'll let you out at the front, so you don’t have to walk," Cass offered. I shook my head.
"No, its fine," I smiled, the idea of walking in there by myself made me feel sick. All those people just staring at me, not to mention thinking up things to say to the receptionist. And what if someone sat down next to me? I'd have to-
The vibration interrupting my thoughts and I dug my phone out of my pocket. I was expecting it to be Simon and I was right. Uneasiness ran through me, he had better not be calling to tell me he couldn't make it. There was no way in hell I was going in alone. Even going in with Cass would be hard, because she wasn't Simon.
"Hello?" I answered nervously, glancing around the parking lot for his car.
"Hey sugar, I'm here, where are you?"
"Out the back, finding a space to park," I said, relief crashing through me. My light-headedness began to subside as the thumping in my chest returned to normal. "Can you check me in?"
"Already done. See you in a minute," he chuckled.
