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“I understand,” she replies, wiping her eyes.
I stand up and push my chair in.
As I’m walking up the stairs to my room, she calls out to me. “I love you.”
I pause for a second, but I don’t respond.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Eli
“Eli.”
I sigh, wishing I’d checked who the call was from. I’d been sure it would be Jill.
“For God’s sake, Jules. I told you. I’ll see him when I can.”
“No, it’s Dad. He’s in a coma at the hospital.”
My chest tightens. “When?” I ask. My voice comes out foreign.
“He collapsed. We found him. I . . . I don’t know how long he was there, but it doesn’t look good. He’s in a coma and they say he won’t . . .” Her voice trails off as she breaks down.
“I’m on my way,” I say. “Which hospital?”
“Anchor Park. Eli . . . can you call Mom? I think she would want to know.”
Would she? All the shit he put her through and she’s finally got her life back on track. I have no idea how she’s going to take this, and that scares me.
“Sure,” I mutter, rubbing my head. “I’ll talk to her.”
I hang up and head out to my car, calling Mom on the way.
“Eli,” she says, sounding pleased to hear from me. She’s happy, and I hate that I have to be the one to tell her this.
“Mom. It’s Dad.” I sigh and close my eyes. “He’s in the hospital, and they don’t think he’ll make it.”
“Oh God, Eli. I’m so sorry,” she says, her voice deflated.
I want to laugh. Why is she sorry for me? I’m the one who is sorry. Sorry that once again, he could be making her miserable.
“Eli, I know how hard this thing between your dad and I has been on you, but I promise you, you’ll regret it if you don’t make peace with him.”
I sigh and rub my head. I know she’s right.
“Go. Call me later, okay? I love you.”
I hate hospitals. I always have. The funny thing is, my fear is irrational. I haven’t spent any time in one and neither has anybody I know, but there’s something about them that instantly make me feel anxious. The strong stench of disinfectant, being surrounded by so many sick people…
As I walk through the halls toward room 219, I run over and over in my head what I’m going to say. If I forgive him, would I really be forgiving him, or just telling him what he wants to hear? I can’t even figure out how him dying makes me feel. I don’t feel sad, or upset. I feel sorry for my sisters, and my niece and nephew who are losing a grandfather, but for myself I feel empty.
I stop when I realize I’m standing outside his room. My hands are shaking. I’m nervous about seeing him so close to death and having that image of him in my head. Everything I’m thinking right now is completely selfish. I wish there was a part of me that actually felt something. Anything.
The door opens and Jules stumbles out, crying. My heart begins to thump loudly in my chest as she falls into my arms. My hands rest on her back as it hits me: I’m too late. I never considered that he might die before I got there. For some strange reason, I figured he would hold on until I saw him.
“He’s gone, Eli.”
I glance past her and into the darkened room as I let her sob on my shoulder. I can make out the shadows of Mel and someone else, and Dad lying still on the bed. Jules breaks away from me. Her eyes are red and swollen as she struggles to compose herself.
