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I repeated to myself, these are not my monkeys; just help Hunter get out of the floor.
“Not today, Pebbles, I think Hunter busted a hole in the pipe to the septic from the toilet.”
“Shit.” Louisa, Kristen, and I uttered simultaneously. Stormy didn’t come close to describing Hunter. He was more of category five hurricane about to make landfall.
Meekly I asked the dreaded question. “Maybe I should get the power washer?”
Damien laughed and fell trying to lift Hunter out of the flooring that was splintered.
“Get out!” Hunter’s yell had us all scrambling back faster than we could move and we collapsed in a jumble of bodies, video camera and sound equipment dropping in the hallway. I flopped over and sneaked a peek because sure enough, poor Hunter was covered in a century’s worth of shit from his knees down. Thank God that was the only place it was located.
Kristen, who’d joined the party late, started to gag along with Matt, while Logan and Louisa helped them up, pulling them away from the room. I couldn’t help the giggle that erupted from my lips when Damien started howling with laughter. He was also covered in shit, but it was just his boots. Could someone commit murder with their eyes? Hunter did with serial killer precision better than Jamie Dornan on The Fall.
“Oh, Hunter, I’m so sorry.” I ducked out of there as quick as I could because I was laughing so hard I might actually pee myself and the only working toilet on site was the port-a-john I rented, but hadn’t shown up yet, because why would anything in my project go smoothly?
13
Hunter
Usually it was Damien covered in shit. He was a plumber. I expected he would get messy in ways that stupefied human dignity from time to time. I had a degree in engineering, several years of working with the Marine Corps of engineers, and this one blew my ego literally out from under me.
It didn’t help that Damien and I had been arguing about the toilet, the tub, and everything under the sun this morning when everything went to hell in a handbasket. I told him to check the flooring for signs of rot, and what did the jackass do? He jumped up and down on the very flooring I was standing on moments ago, and it was my ass that went through the weakened wood right into to ancient septic piping. Generations of ghosts in this house were probably rolling in their graves laughing at me. I needed more caution tape for this house like I needed a hole in my head.
“Get me the fuck out of the floor.”
Damien was still—five minutes later—clutching his stomach, tears streaming down his face while I was knee-deep in ghost poop. I was pretty sure when I was an old man bouncing my grandkids on my knee I’d laugh about this, but not today. Today, I considered plotting my cousin’s death so he couldn’t reproduce children anything like him.
“Dude, you smell like ass.”
I contemplated how much closer Damien needed to get physically before I pulled him in to join me because, you know, misery loves company.
“I’m standing in shit. It’s not roses, moron.”
“I can’t wait to tell Mom and Dad.”
Yeah, because what I wanted to do was go to dinner at my aunt and uncle’s house to relive this shit show all over again. I had enough carved woodland creatures lining my garage. There were no hands-on therapies to fix this unless strangling my cousin counted. Damien must have connected some of the neurons in his brain because he finally stopped laughing long enough to come sufficiently close for me to reach him. Lucky for him my ire subsided enough to a death glare.
“I’m gonna pull you out. Anything you can stand on underneath you?” My footing wasn’t secure, but I considered grabbing him and pulling him down to stand on. “Uh ah.” He nodded no, giving me a wagging finger.
I slipped down another inch until I felt the cracked pipe under my ruined boots. I had loved these boots right up until that moment.
“Just a busted pipe.”
Damien nodded and gave me a hand,
pulling until he lifted me out far enough that I could get out on my own. “This cleanup is going to suck.”
“You’re buying me new boots, asshole.”
“I figured you’d say that.”
We were trying to work together, but it was harder than we thought.
“I know, that’s why I’m leaving you with it while I go home to shower and have lunch.” Today could end right now for all I cared. “In fact, I’m taking the whole damn day off before I say or do anything that might hurt Taylor Jane. You, not so much.”
“We’re going to have to rip out these boards and replace everything. Might even need to fill this up with some gravel to cover up the new piping once the septic gets pumped.” Damien was all business now and he could at least get this part of the job done successfully.
“I don’t care how it happens, just do a good job, and do it right.” I almost didn’t want to leave because leaving him in charge of anything was not the best idea I’d had.
