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“Not that I don’t think you’ve researched this thoroughly in the last fifteen minutes but are you sure that’s all we need?” He ushers me into the car and then we’re walking up the steps in Kingston, the county seat just twenty minutes from home.
“Uh huh.” Well, Damien was wrong and the only thing I could do was smirk because he looked heartbroken while my stomach rolled in protest. Turns out we needed a license for marriage and a twenty-four hour waiting period because of the line of people waiting. I peered down the a
isle at the four couples ahead of us. Who knew a bunch of folks planned on getting married today? I bet this almost never happens except now when we actually wanted to committee our lives for eternity to each other.
“Damien, I’m not feeling so hot can we just home?” I’m feeling emotional but I see the stubborn look on his face and don’t feel like doing an epic battle with him right now.
“No babe. We came here and we are getting married.”
“Not if this nice lady doesn’t let us.” I gritted my teeth in pain and nodded to the clerk who must have noticed my huge baby belly right then and blushed. Just my luck but I felt my stomach do a weird drop and I clutched my belly tight.
“Ahem, you know, if you can trade place with someone already in line, I bet you could get married today before the chambers close.” It was Friday and if this didn’t happen now, we would have to wait all weekend. The woman took pity on us and told us if we could get a judge to sign off on a waiver to stay the waiting period and get back to the marriage hall before they close that day we would be ok and get married.
“On it!” Before I have words, my soon to be baby-daddy-husband rushed out into the hall leaving me to waddle behind as my stomach started cramping.
“Shit, I think I’m having a baby.” The woman behind the counter bugged out and told me to sit in a chair. I waved her off and let my body plop down waiting for Damien to come back. I didn’t have long to wait as he skidded past me, his eyes darting in all directions with a cute almost parent panic.
“I just promised the Morely’s free plumbing for life, come on babe let’s go.” Damien helds the paper like it’s a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory as he pulled me to my feet. I peered into the hallway watching the couple. The Morely’s looked like they could die at any moment and I knew I was going to hell for bribing and cutting them off. The old man looked grumpy and started arguing that he didn’t have much time and could die right there before it happens. The lady laughed, her face full of wrinkles and what I assumed must have been a well loved life tells him to give up the ticket already.
“See my dear, that’s how it’s done.” The old lady smiled and gently slapped the man in his chest. I hoped that was Damien and I someday, long into the future where we argued and loved just as hard as we did today in this moment.
“Okay, we have to go across the street and get a judge to sign this.” Damien dragged me down steps, across the street, and up steps until we found the very same judge who presided over Damien’s drunk driving hearing. What luck we were having. Judge Maddox, who also happened to know my mother, smiled taking pity on us while chastising Damien at the same time about being a good dad.
My feet were killing and felt like pins and needles were racing up my legs trying to navigate the stairs and long hallways of the courthouse in a rush to get inside in the nick of time to see the justice of the peace as the last couple to get married. I wanted this day to be over, but I couldn’t have been that lucky.
“Do you Damien Hart take this woman to be you lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do.” Damien took my hands kissing the tips of my fingers. Sadly, the pain in my stomach made me want to poke him in the eye but I managed to repeat my vows barely listening to the words that followed.
“Well, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your fair bride.”
Damien looked at me finally understanding the pain I had been dealing with the last few hours.
“Kristen? Honey? Are you?” I yelled in pain cursing him and vowing to God I was going to be a nun after all this.
“Kiss me damn it!” I yelled at him as the judge stepped back closing his book.
“As you wish, Pebbles.” Damien hold me up through another mind erasing cramp kissing me passionately. Well, as passionately as one can manage when their water breaks.
“You’re one lucky bastard.”
And Damien finally says the correct three words everyman needs to say to their wife, “You’re right dear.”
Ford Harrison Hart was born healthy and yelling several hours later, much like I was while holding onto my new husband’s junk as tribute, so much for getting that epidural.
Epilogue
Did y’all really think I wouldn’t have the last word? (5 yrs later)
I’m sure Kristen was stewing, but I was busy knocking her up so I could keep up with her. If you know my wife, you know I’m one heart attack away from the end with her level of crazy.
Crazy in love maybe.
I was fixing my cuff links as Hunter bounced my son up in his arms whispering in his ear making the little nuclear stink bomb smile like a good uncle. They’re wearing tuxedos that match my own. Never underestimate the power of a baby in a mini tuxedo. My son was born a heartbreaker making my male pride puff up my chest. I smiled, grateful that I had my cousin Hunter in my life and my son who looked like a mini version of my beautiful wife.
“I can’t believe your mother is actually going to make an honest man out of your dad, kiddo.” Hunter gives him a noogie on his head and tickles him into a fit of giggles.
“Hey, I can hear you asshole, and for the record I married her before any of them were actually born.” I waved my finger around reminding him. Hunter looks up smiling as he brings my boy over to me.
