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She broke off, looking bemused.
“You mean it’s pretty much hopeless to explain why some relationships seem okay, but aren’t.”
“Yes.” She looked at him as if he’d solved one of the primal mysteries of the earth. “I’ve worried it’s me, that I’m too picky. Other times I think I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I figure most people do find someone, so I should just be patient. And then I think, I drank three-quarters of my drink in about five minutes and my God I’m talking too much, I should probably eat something.”
It was his turn to laugh, freely and without restraint. She surprised him. And delighted him, sober, tipsy, earnest, erotic, silly, he liked every side he’d seen of her.
And frankly would like to see a lot more.
“Your turn.” She grabbed a carrot stick. “I have banned myself from talking. Tell me about your girlfriends.”
“Okay. I’ve had two big ones.”
“How big? Amazons?”
“Ha ha.” He lifted the grill lid and used his scraper to clean the rack. “Two serious ones.”
“They couldn’t take a joke?”
“No talking, Allie.”
She clapped her hand over her mouth and spread her fingers to speak. “Right, sorry.”
“I dated around in college, but met Margaret after business school when I was working at Baldwin & Company.”
“She worked there, too?”
“At the lunch counter. Art was her calling. Sculpture and multimedia. A great woman, lots of fun. Very strong. Very determined.”
Allie made ape noises and mimed beating her chest.
“No more gin for you.”
“I’ll be good. Tell me more.”
“At first I loved the challenge of her, but after a while she just exhausted me. Everything was a battle she had to win.”
“Oof. No fun. Then who?”
“After Margaret, Missy. To be continued...” He went back into the house, brought out the burgers and put them on the grill to sizzle, loving the way Allie looked sitting on the deck, all yellow and white against the gray weathered boards, like a daffodil blooming on rock.
She caught him staring and smiled. “Missy?”
“Missy, yes. She turned out to be the opposite of Margaret, at least on the surface. Sweet, charming, with a high-level job. I wondered sometimes how she could manage people or money effectively by being so obliging. Then I discovered she was screwing a colleague and wanted me just for my money. Since then, there’s been no one I’ve thought about seriously.”
Until now.
The thought blindsided him.
“God, Jonas.” Allie’s expression turned to sympathy and, for a flash before it was gone, tenderness. She cared about him. At least some. “It’s weird how we can be so blind to obvious destructive patterns when we start dating people.”
“No kidding.” He moved the burgers around on the grill for something to do while he got his thoughts back in order. Allie? He’d barely known her three days.
“It makes getting involved with someone sort of terrifying. My last boyfriend, Raymond, was a completely passive lump of a person.” She waved her hand in front of her face, apparently dismissing Raymond’s memory. “I was so thrilled that he adored me. I kept telling myself no one was perfect. I couldn’t have everything in one man. And then, finally, I realized, well, no, Allie, but you should have something in him.”
He felt that same tenderness he’d glimpsed in her eyes. He wanted to tell her she deserved everything, but didn’t want to bring to her attention that she was finally sharing personal details. As it would be too much too soon coming from him. “When people are first dating they put on a show of being who they want to be, or who they think they are, rather than who they really are. So you waste all this time investing emotions into what is essentially fake.”
Allie stiffened, made a noncommittal sound, picked up her drink and took another swallow.
Jonas flipped the burgers, wondering what he’d said. Nothing that applied to them. They weren’t dating, just fooling around. Nor did he get the impression Allie was putting on any kind of a show. He certainly wasn’t. So why had she abruptly put out the fire she’d brought to the conversation and to the evening?
He brought out the hamburger rolls and opened them, ready to warm them up. “Hungry, Allie?”
She came out of her trance and smiled. “You bet.”
The hamburgers were delicious: juicy and flavorful, slathered with the pesto and topped with flavorful summer tomato slices and melting fresh mozzarella. Allie’s eyes popped when she took her first bite and encountered the unexpected flavors, which pleased him way too much.
