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She dipped her head, moving back to let me pass.
“I'll just be right outside.” It was soft, but it carried a clear warning.
I turned slowly, my eyes immediately landing on the still figure huddled under a pile of blankets on the folded back sofa. My heart squeezed. Pocketing my hands, I moved farther into the darkened room and sat awkwardly on the edge of the sofa farthest away from Riley.
She didn’t look up. “What are you doing here, Reno?”
She sounded bone weary, like she'd just finished walking a thousand miles and I'd come in and asked her to walk back again. She kept her eyes fixated on her fingers as they tugged at loose threads on the strings of her hoody. I felt fucking helpless. I knew why I was here, but everything I thought I wanted to say sounded pointless now. I scrubbed a hand down my face.
“I wish you'd told me.”
A bitter laugh escaped her. Still, she didn't look up. “Why?”
Right. I looked down. What had I done over the past few weeks to give her the impression she could come to me with this? I’d spent months pushing her away, trying to convince myself, and her, it was for the best. I was a fucking idiot. There was nothing better than Riley. I should have fucking grabbed on to her with both hands and never let go. My fists clenched and unclenched on my thighs. I cracked my knuckles. Fuck, I despised myself.
“I know, but… I would have wanted to know. I wish you’d felt like you could tell me. I'm sorry you didn't.” There was a gruffness to my words that couldn’t be concealed.
She nodded absently, her fingernails raking the threads.
“Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?” She said the words quietly, casually even. But her wide, green eyes strayed to mine. And those eyes were awash with pain and unshed tears. They practically begged someone to take away the hurt. I moved instinctively. Closing the distance between us, I tugged her into my chest and cradled her head in my palm.
Her hands gripped my shirt as her tears dampened the fabric, her pained sobs muffled against my body. I clutched her tighter, my heart cracking as I dropped my lips to her hair and planted a long kiss there. I inhaled raggedly as my own eyes closed, fighting desperately to stay in control of the emotions battering me. She needed me to be strong. I fucking owed her that much.
“It's all my fault,” she cried into my chest. “I wished it would go away. And it did. It's all my fault.”
I gripped her cheeks in my hands and focused my narrowed gaze on her tear-soaked face. “No, Riley. You didn't cause it. Nothing you said or did was to blame. It was just one of those things.”
Her head swung hopelessly from side to side. “No. It was me. I didn't even see a doctor. I didn't take care of it. I didn't protect it. It was my baby, and all I ever did was wish it away.”
I didn't know what to say to convince her. She’d already sentenced herself, and it fucking broke me. Her eyelids clamped together, her head shaking slower now, but her movements were despondent.
“I didn't mean it. I didn't realize that until it was too late, but... I didn't mean it.”
My gaze locked on hers, and a strange feeling erupted in my chest. “Were you...” I cleared my throat. “What were you going to do?”
She looked away. “I hadn't decided. I knew it was stupid and crazy. But every time I thought about not having it, it just... it broke my heart. I couldn’t do it.”
I pressed my lips to her wet ones without stopping to think about the consequences. I just held them there, against her warm skin, salty with her tears, while I cupped her face in my hands and inhaled roughly through my nose.
She'd have kept it.
She would have had the baby.
It would have been fucking idiotic, dumbest shit we'd ever done... but I would have wanted her to.
Something in my chest splintered. Pain radiated from the spot, like a giant fist had reached inside and smashed everything up. Every-fucking-thing hurt.
“Sorry, Riley. I'm so damn sorry,” I said against her lips. “If I'd known…”
I felt her stiffen, her body locking up. She shut down, pulling away from me and settling back into her previous position: fingers on the strings and gaze trained ahead. I watched her retreat right before my eyes, and I couldn’t fucking blame her. Not after what I’d done. What she’d been through.
“It doesn't matter now,” she repeated, in that same tone.
I had no idea why the fuck I pushed it when I should have kept my mouth shut, but I needed her to hear it.
“I would have wanted you to keep it, Riley.”
A wave of grief rolled over her. Her pale face crumpled, and her body folded over, small shoulders shaking.
