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“I – I don't know if I can do that, Gabe,” I said.
“I know,” he said. “I was hoping I was wrong. But, I knew you'd say that.”
Gabe pulled away from and slipped out of my arms. He climbed out of bed, even as I tried to grab his arm and make him stay.
“Listen to me, Gabe. It's just – my mind is a mess right now, and I don't want to make promises I can't keep,” I said. “You want me to love you and you alone, and I can't promise you that. I want to be honest with you.”
He didn't say anything. He pulled his arm free from my grasp and stood up, pulling his pants on. I stood, trying to stop him from leaving.
“Don't worry, I'll just be in the guest room,” he said. “I'm still taking Grayson to the zoo tomorrow. After that, I'm heading back home though.”
I nodded. “I understand.”
It hurt to see him like that, and I wanted to tell him it would all be okay. That everything would work out. But, that too, would be a lie. He needed his space right now. I needed to let him go. If I soothed him and convinced him to stay with me would only make things harder on him.
Gabe surprised me by kissing my forehead gently and stroking my cheek.
“I meant what I said, Hadley. I've never stopped loving you. But if the reason you left Castle Creek is because of me, please come home. Grayson deserves to have a family, and you know we'll love him just like our own back home.”
With that, Gabe left my bedroom. I heard his footsteps retreating down the hall, and when he reached the guest room, I heard the door shut softly behind him, leaving me utterly alone. My heart broke for him, but more than that, it broke for me. I loved him. I wanted him.
I just wanted more than just him though. Even though I knew it was wrong for everyone involved. It was selfish, but I couldn't help it.
It was also selfish to keep Grayson away from his family. Gabe was right about that. I knew we should go home, at least to visit again.
ooo000ooo
After Gabe's visit, I got back into the groove of working. I needed the distraction, to be honest. Something to take my mind off all of the chaos swirling through my head. I returned some emails that I should have gotten to days ago. As I sorted through all of the work that had piled up o
n me, I started to wonder about the wisdom of putting things off like I'd been doing.
Normally, I was very much on top of things. Always had my ducks in a row, everything was organized, and I was rarely, if ever, behind. Ever since I'd decided to move back to Castle Creek though – and everything that had happened between then and now – I'd not really been myself. I was buried in work, behind on most everything, and my head was most definitely not in the game.
I was beyond frustrated with myself and I needed to get back on the ball.
Still, as I went through the mundane tasks that took up most of my day, I couldn't keep my mind from drifting back to Colorado – to that one night spent with three amazing men. The memory of it made that familiar warmth spread out through my body. I felt all the tingles the passion of that night inspired.
I also felt all of the fear and uncertainty, all of the guilt and shame, that ravaged me in the days after.
Gabe had said a lot of the right things. He'd put my mind at ease in a lot of ways. He raised some good and valid points. Not even I could deny that. Nor could I deny that it was good to see Gabe again. The connection we had was as strong and intense as it ever was. It just felt good – no, right – to be with him. Of course, it felt the same way being with both Evan and Jared too. I knew Gabe didn't like the idea of me being with them, but I couldn't deny the bond I had with them.
The fact that Gabe wanted me to come back to Castle Creek, to start a family with him – I couldn't say the idea wasn't appealing. I couldn't say I wasn't tempted. But, it was a complicated situation. I cared for Gabe. I loved him. That wasn’t the question. I also loved his brothers, which only made the issue that much more complex.
Getting up from my desk, I stretched a little bit and then rubbed my eyes. I'd been sitting there going through work stuff so long, I was getting stiff and felt like my eyes had crossed. I walked down the hallway to the bathroom and grabbed a couple of aspirin out of the cabinet.
As I washed the pills down with a little water, I happened to see my box of tampons, and a stray thought passed through my mind – I hadn't gotten my period yet. After walking back into my office, I checked the calendar and realized I was a couple of days late. Ordinarily, my period was like clockwork. I never even had to think about it.
Then again, I had been under a lot of stress lately. Stress does a lot of terrible things to a person's body. In the past, I'd had a couple of pregnancy scares turn out to be false alarms. I left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen to grab something to drink. The sound of small footsteps in the hallway behind me made me smile. The proverbial pitter-pat of little feet that never failed to warm my heart. Looking back at Grayson, I smiled. “How about some peanut butter and jelly, sweetheart?”
He nodded and gave me a toothy little grin in return. “Yeah!”
We walked into the kitchen and I lifted him up, setting him down on a stool at the center island. Going to the refrigerator, I pulled out the jelly, then went to the cabinets and grab some peanut butter and bread. Grayson was happily chatting away to himself as I made our lunch. After dropping some chips onto the plate, I sat it down in front of him.
“Thank you, mama.”
“You're welcome, baby.”
He munched away in silence for a little while as I watched him, my mind consumed with thoughts of Chris and our life before – not to mention, plenty of thoughts about Gabe, Jared, and Evan. I groaned inwardly. I'd made a complete mess of everything. I'd thought I could handle it all, and although Gabe made sure to tell me nothing had changed and it was less of a shitstorm than I was making it out to be, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I hadn't screwed everything or that they didn't all secretly hate me.
