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As much as I'd distanced myself from the opposite sex since Gina's death, I was still very attracted to women. I had needs that were not being met, but I pushed those aside for my children. I wasn't about to start sleeping around just to get my rocks off. Besides, what would I do with the kids while I was getting laid?
It was an impossible situation, and because it had been a while and I was feeling a little horny, I caught myself checking out my neighbor's daughter.
Emma turned in the chair, a book in hand, and caught my eye. She smiled. I gave her an awkward little wave, which she returned. I looked away, focusing on my work and hoped she didn't catch me staring too intently. That would be embarrassing. I was much too old to be looking at a girl like her.
Too old and carried too much baggage.
ooo000ooo
The dream was always the same.
“It's probably nothing,” Gina told me, kissing me. “Just a routine drug test. What are you so afraid of?”
Gina didn't know then the extent of my problems, not until later. In that moment, her big, brown eyes were so wide, so innocent, and so full of love. And so, I'd lied to her.
“You're probably right. I'm clean, I have nothing to worry about.”
“Exactly,” she said, cuddling in close to my body.
We were in my off-campus apartment, curled up on the couch, watching a movie. We'd been together for five months at that point and she thought she knew me. Had she known the real me from the beginning, I have no doubt she'd never have fallen for me in the first place. But I was practiced at it by the point, and was able to hide the real me very well.
I hid it from everyone.
“My boyfriend is going to play in the NFL,” she'd say proudly. “Maybe you can finally afford that engagement ring .”
But my name had never been called during the draft. Not once in all seven rounds. I'd screwed it all up.
And when I found out that my results came back positive, yet again, and no team would touch me, I was numb. But it was Gina who'd cried the most.
“Who are you? Do I even know you?” she cried. “Cocaine? Marcus, I had no idea.”
But Gina came back to me and she stayed with me. That's when I realized this woman really loved me.
“We'll get you clean,” she said. “Professional football is out, but there are other things you can do. Other career paths for you. I'll help you.”
After those dreams, I'd wake up in a sweat, my heart thundering, adrenaline coursing through my body. My life had literally flashed before my eyes. Depending on how long I slept, the dream would sometimes go on, to the very end, to the moment in the hospital when the doctor told me, “I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.”
But I was spared for one night; spared of the worst parts of my life. I was only left with the reminder that I'd fucked up in the biggest way possible, that I deserved all the pain and hardship in my life, that I'd done this to myself.
All because I couldn't stay clean.
CHAPTER FOUR
EMMA
“Heard you got a job,” Riley said as I came upstairs.
“Yep, at the surf shop down by the beach,” I said. “It seems my skills can finally be put to good use.”
“Congrats, I guess?” she said.
“Listen, Riley,” I said, joining her at the kitchen table. “I'm sorry I took the room
you were wanting, but mom and dad wouldn't have let you have it anyway. We both know that.”
It was just me and her. Dad had left for work already and mom was running errands. The house was quiet for the most part. Riley had some annoying music playing by some band I'd never heard of but was popular with kids her age.
“Why do you say that?” she said, looking at me with an expression of pure indignation.
