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My voice trailed off for a moment as Raya gave me a look. A look I didn't particularly care for and one that nearly scared the pants off me.
“Do they?” I asked.
“I'm pretty sure they do, yeah,” she said. “It's not totally unheard of.”
I swallowed, hard, and tried to think of something I could say that would ease both of our minds – and was coming up pretty empty for the most part.
“Well, I'll just make sure there are contingency plans in place,” I said. “And I'll make sure that Malcolm's insurance covers my medical needs as they arise. And if something does happen to me, my family will still get paid. That's the most important thing here.”
“CASEY!” Raya shouted.
“What? I'm doing this for my family,” I grumbled. “As long as they're taken care of, I'm not worried about it. Not like my life shows any promise otherwise.”
Raya reached out for my hands, her hennaed red braids falling forward, shielding part of her face. She looked as if she were ready to cry – and that made me want to cry. It scared me, more than anything. I was already feeling uncertain as it was, but she wasn't making me feel any better.
“Casey, your life is worth more than that,” she said. “You've got more value than just being able to make babies. You have so much to offer.”
“And I've got no future unless I can get my family out of poverty. Unless I can get us out of here,” I said. “This is all about them, Raya. I know I'm more than just a womb, and yet, I'm choosing to do this anyway. Either you can support me or – ”
My voice cracked, and I stopped talking. Tears filled my eyes and the frustration in me was so great, I wanted to punch something. Raya let out a long breath and pulled me close, letting me rest my head on her shoulder. She patted my back, rocking me back and forth like a mother would a child.
“Shhh, it's okay, Casey,” she said. “You don't have to do this.”
“That's not why I'm crying,” I said, wiping my eyes, “I'm crying because I know my mom won't understand, and you're the only person I can talk to. So, if you don't support me, I have no one and I'm all alone in this.”
Raya sighed. “I'll support you in doing whatever you need do, sweetie,” she said. “I'm here for you. I just don't want you to make a mistake or do something you'll regret.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, pulling myself together and sitting up tall. “But I have to do this. It's my family's way out of poverty, once and for all. Then, maybe, I’ll finally be able to start thinking about myself..”
“But what about your mother?” Raya asked gently. “What are you going to tell her?”
I shrugged. “I figured I won't tell her anything for now,” I said. “I'll keep it quiet for as long as I can.”
“You're going to hide a pregnancy from her?” Raya raised both her eyebrows.
“I hardly see her anyway, she's always working,” I said. “I'll invest in baggy clothes and hope for the best. At the end of the day, I'm an adult and can do as I please. Hopefully, she'll realize I'm doing this for her, Sierra and Nick.”
“I hope so, lovey,” Raya said. “I really, really hope so.”
“Me too.”
My phone buzzed, and I looked at the caller ID.
“It's Malcolm,” I said, staring at the number for a long time, my mind and heart awash in thought and emotion.
“Well, are you going to answer it?” Raya giggled.
“I guess I probably should, huh?”
“
Uh, duh,” she said.
I clicked the button to pick up the call, and his voice came through crisp and clear, right away.
“Casey, you there?”
“Yes, I'm here.”
