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I was going to be a father. I found someone willing to have a baby for me, which meant that I was going to be a dad. Great. So, now what?
My head was spinning, and from the look on Casey's face, hers was too.
“Are you sure, Casey?” I asked. “I mean, this is a pretty big deal.”
“I'm positive,” she sighed. “I'll be honest, I've always wanted children of my own someday, so I can't believe I'm agreeing to do this. I can't believe I'd hand my child over to you, no strings attached. But I need to get myself in a better situation before I can ever dream of having a family myself. So – I'm thinking of it like an investment into my future. Malcolm, I just – I want to make sure that you'll care for the child. That you'll give him or her the best life possible. That's what matters the most to me.”
“Of course,” I said. My head was still fuzzy, and I was still trying to process it all. “Casey, I've always wanted kids too, and while this isn't the ideal situation for me either – I've always wanted to be a father. My child will never want for anything.”
She nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. I wanted to walk around the table and wrap her up in a tight hug but feared that it would earn me another hard slap across the face, so I remained in my seat. Better safe than sorry.
“I know,” she said. “You can give a child more than I ever could. I just hope that with our arrangement, it can help me get on my feet, so I can care for the family I have, and raise a family of my own one day too.”
I decided to chance it. I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. She didn't pull her hand away, or stab me with a fork, so I figured I was doing okay.
“Casey, if you help me with this, I promise to take care of you,” I said. “If there's anything I can do to help you improve your life, I'll do it. Just say the word. Seriously, your wish will be my command. I mean that.”
Our eyes were locked on each other for a moment, and she smiled back at me. Her full lips parted as if she was going to say something just as Katrina brought us our waters.
“Do you need a few more minutes?” she asked.
More like a few more months or years, I thought. I could act all calm and cool while talking to Casey about it, but truthfully, I was as scared as she was. My head was spinning, and my gut was churning. I was excited, but terrified beyond all measure. I was going to be responsible for another life, and I'd be doing it alone.
“I think I'm ready,” Casey said. “What about you, Malcolm?”
“I'm not sure I'll ever be ready,” I muttered to myself. Katrina and Casey stared at me. “Sorry, I meant, yes. I know what I want.”
I gave Casey's hand a squeeze before pulling my hand away and quickly opening the menu. We ordered lunch, and while we tried to make small talk, it was clear there was an awkwardness between us. The conversation was a little bit strained – not easy and free-flowing like it had been the other night, which made me a little sad. I'd had a good time with Casey.
?
?I'm going to talk to my lawyer and get some legal things worked out,” I said.
Casey nodded. “What clinic will we be using?”
“A clinic?”
“For the fertilization process.”
Oh. Shit.
“There may be a problem with that,” I said, gritting my teeth. “This is really strange and awkward, but I was actually thinking we'd go about this the old-fashioned way.”
Casey's eyes widened even more, and she was speechless. Her mouth opened to speak, but no words came out for the longest time. Finally, she swallowed hard and blinked at me.
“The old-fashioned way,” she said. “As in we sleep together?”
I cleared my throat and couldn't meet her eyes for a long moment. “Yeah, I mean, unless that's a problem for you,” I said. “I mean, with a clinic, there’s at least a six-week wait for testing and all of that. But if this is a problem for you then—"”
“No,” she said quickly, cutting me off. “No problem. No problem with that at all.”
Her voice came our hoarse and a little raspy, and she took a long drink from her iced tea. I could see her trying to physically compose herself. I recognized it, because I was trying to do the same thing. There really was no graceful way of going about asking her to sleep with me though. I'd done the best I could.
“No problem at all,” she said. “It's just not what I was expecting.”
“I've been checked, I have a clean medical history and will share all of the records with you,” I said slowly. “And I'd appreciate it if you could do the same.”
“Meaning tests for STDs?”
