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She looked at me like I'd suddenly sprouted a second head. Maybe a third. Not that I could really blame her. What I'd just told her seemed to be a radical solution to my problems.
“Casey, are you sure about this?” she asked. “I mean, most of the time, surrogates come with certain requirements – like having had a successful pregnancy before. Which, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure you haven't.”
I shook my head to answer her question, and then I cocked my head to the side. “How do you know that?”
She shrugged. “My mom's done it a few times,” she said. “She likes bringing joy to other people's lives, and hey, it's helped keep the shop open. But she's done it through an agency and all that jazz. She didn't just meet some in a club and agree to have his baby. That's a bit – dangerous – don't you think?”
She was right. It was a bit crazy and maybe even a bit dangerous. But, even crazier – seriously, bordering on sheer madness – was the fact that for some reason I couldn't identify or explain, I trusted Malcolm. I couldn't say why I did, but there was just something about him that made me feel safe.
“He's been tested for STDs,” I said. “He's also going to require I get tested too. There's no danger, at all.”
“Umm, except he could back out of the deal or – ”
“We're going to have a contract written up by a lawyer,” I said. “I'm not worried about that. I know he's not going to screw me over that way, Raya.”
“Okay maybe not that,” she said. “But, there are always the possibility of complications during pregnancy and childbirth.”
My pulse raced, and I felt a stomach in my knot tighten up painfully. That idea hadn't even occurred to me. “What? Are we back in the eighteenth century again?” I asked with a laugh I hope didn't sound too forced. “Women don't die during childbirth anymore.”
My voice trailed off for a moment as Raya gave me a look. A look I didn't particularly care for and one that nearly scared the pants off me.
“Do they?” I asked.
“I'm pretty sure they do, yeah,” she said. “It's not totally unheard of.”
I swallowed, hard, and tried to think of something I could say that would ease both of our minds – and was coming up pretty empty for the most part.
“Well, I'll just make sure there are contingency plans in place,” I said. “And I'll make sure that Malcolm's insurance covers my medical needs as they arise. And if something does happen to me, my family will still get paid. That's the most important thing here.”
“CASEY!” Raya shouted.
“What? I'm doing this for my family,” I grumbled. “As long as they're taken care of, I'm not worried about it. Not like my life shows any promise otherwise.”
Raya reached out for my hands, her hennaed red braids falling forward, shielding part of her face. She looked as if she were ready to cry – and that made me want to cry. It scared me, more than anything. I was already feeling uncertain as it was, but she wasn't making me feel any better.
“Casey, your life is worth more than that,” she said. “You've got more value than just being able to make babies. You have so much to offer.”
“And I've got no future unless I can get my family out of poverty. Unless I can get us out of here,” I said. “This is all about them, Raya. I know I'm more than just a womb, and yet, I'm choosing to do this anyway. Either you can support me or – ”
My voice cracked, and I stopped talking. Tears filled my eyes and the frustration in me was so great, I wanted to punch something. Raya let out a long breath and pulled me close, letting me rest my head on her shoulder. She patted my back, rocking me back and forth like a mother would a child.
“Shhh, it's okay, Casey,” she said. “You don't have to do this.”
“That's not why I'm crying,” I said, wiping my eyes, “I'm crying because I know my mom won't understand, and you're the only person I can talk to. So, if you don't support me, I have no one and I'm all alone in this.”
Raya sighed. “I'll support you in doing whatever you need do, sweetie,” she said. “I'm here for you. I just don't want you to make a mistake or do something you'll regret.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, pulling myself together and sitting up tall. “But I have to do this. It's my family's way out of poverty, once and for all. Then, maybe, I’ll finally be able to start thinking about myself..”
“But what about your mother?” Raya asked gently. “What are you going to tell her?”
I shrugged. “I figured I won't tell her anything for now,” I said. “I'll keep it quiet for as long as I can.”
“You're going to hide a pregnancy from her?” Raya raised both her eyebrows.
“I hardly see her anyway, she's always working,” I said. “I'll invest in baggy clothes and hope for the best. At the end of the day, I'm an adul
t and can do as I please. Hopefully, she'll realize I'm doing this for her, Sierra and Nick.”
