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“What am I going to do, Lila?” I cried, big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. “I can't be pregnant. I just can't be.”
“There's only one person who could be the father, right?” Lila asked. “I mean, if you are pregnant, that is.”
I nodded. “Only person I've slept with.”
“Right, okay,” she muttered, pacing the small bathroom. “If this test comes back positive, we're going to need to contact him and—”
“No,” I said, eyes wide, a jolt of fear shooting through my body. “We absolutely cannot contact him. I don't even know him, Lila.”
“But he is the father of your baby,” she says. “And if it comes back positive, you shouldn't have to do this alone.”
She had a point, but I still shook my head. Finding and contacting Gavin was the last thing I wanted, especially for something like this. I had no idea how he'd react to the news. And I had absolutely no desire to force him to be with me if he wasn't into a relationship and a kid. He led a lifestyle that told me his priorities were elsewhere. And that he wasn't really in a place to deal with something that radically life-altering.
“I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant,” I kept repeating over and over again, hoping if I said it enough times, it would be true.
“It's time,” Lila said, looking at her watch.
We both stared at each other for a long moment, the sense of dread and foreboding growing within me with each passing second. Slowly, and with a hand shaking so bad, you'd think I had palsy, I reached for the stick. I hadn't read the instructions, so when I looked at the little window on the thing, I had no idea what it meant. I showed it to Lila, my eyes wide and tears rolling down my face.
“Christ on a cracker, Josie,” Lila said, and she actually sounded happy.
“What? Is it negative?” I asked, starting to feel hopeful.
“No, sweetie,” she said, her eyes and voice softening. “You're pregnant, Josie. You're going to be a mommy.”
My heart sank and everything inside me froze. This had to be a dream. It just had to be. There was no way I was pregnant. There was no way I could be. Not with everything else going on. I couldn't afford for it to be true.
Lila took my hands and pulled me up, hugging me close. “We're going to spoil this baby so fucking much. Josie,” she said. “Just think about how much fun it'll be.”
Fun, sure. Except I had enough student loan debt to choke a horse. I had no career to fall back on because I'd had to drop out of school. And I had a mother who needed me twenty-four hours a day, seven days week.
Yeah, that sure sounded like a lot of fun.
A baby was something I wanted—someday. A baby was something I wanted when I had a husband and a home of my own. When I had a career. When I was financially secure. A baby wasn't something I wanted right now. Wasn't something I could deal with having right now. As I looked at the stick again, knowing it said I was pregnant, I couldn't stop the feeling of doom and despair from washing over me.
“There's no way I can take care of a child, Lila,” I cried. “I can hardly take care of myself.”
“Sh, sweetie,” she said, stroking my face and wiping away my tears. “We'll figure it out. I promise you that we will figure it out. You're not alone, remember?”
Except, of course, I was alone. She could help me, sure. But, Lila had her own life. Her own career. Her own boyfriend. She had a million different things going on in her own life. The last thing she needed was to be a part-time nanny for my child. A child I didn't want.
Chapter Ten
Josie
“Where are we going?” I groaned. “You know I can't be gone long.”
“It's fine, your sister is with your mom,” Lila said. “And I have your bags packed and ready to go.”
“My bags are packed?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”
“Yes, of course, silly,” she said. “We're going on a babycation. You need to relax before the baby comes.”
A few weeks had passed since I'd discovered I was pregnant. A few weeks since the grim reality of a screwed-up situation settled over me. And while I was still terrified, the idea of having a baby didn't fill me with as much dread as it had that first day. Lila had been working her magic and had me feeling slightly better about things.
My mom still didn't know, even though I was starting to put on some weight, mostly in my stomach. Most of my clothes were from the Goodwill maternity section and I looked like a slob. But, at least it covered my growing belly and breasts. For a little while longer, anyway. I wanted to keep my condition on the downlow until I could tell my mom the news.
By the time the baby arrived, I was hoping to have some money saved up so that we could move to a larger place. But, bills kept on coming and there was never enough money to get ahead. I usually barely had enough just to stay afloat. Lila helped when she could, but I tried not to worry her with my financial issues. I knew she'd feel obligated to help me, and I didn't want her to do that. I didn't want anyone's help. I'd find a way to make this work. I had no idea how in the hell I was going to do it, but I was bound and determined to.
