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Dean stared at her, trying to figure out what he thought she might want to hear before finally settling on the truth. “One of the kids at Alpha Dog is going through some bad stuff, and I told him he should talk to someone about it. Figured I’m kind of a hypocrite if I don’t follow my own advice.”

“Hmm, so you felt guilty?” she asked.

Guilty? Sure, he’d felt guilty every day for nine months, wondering why he lived and wishing he could go back and change what happened. If he could do it over again, he’d get up and get moving faster. Take the lead . . .

But if you had died that day, you wouldn’t have met Violet.

And that thought gave him a whole new sense of regret.

“No, it wasn’t about guilt. It was . . . It was about not being scared anymore.” Taking a deep breath, he let it all out. “I have been so fucking scared since it happened, questioning myself and who I am. I’ve been scared that I can’t be a soldier anymore, that people will always look at me and think, ‘Oh yeah, he’s the one who choked and let his squad die.’ And it’s so God damn stupid and selfish, because even if nobody ever trusts me to carry a gun at their back again, I’m doing something here. With the kids I help, the ones I train so that they can find a different path and overcome all the crappy homes, and parents, and just the shit that life throws at them. Instead, I come here, sit in this chair, and am terrified to tell the truth and have you end my career over there. When I’m not even sure that’s what I want anymore.”

“Really? For months all you’ve wanted is to be deployed again. Is it the job at Alpha Dog? Or something more?”

Dean hadn’t really thought about what else had changed for him, but since he was being honest . . .

“There’s a woman I met at a concert a little over a month ago. At first it was just a one-time thing, but I’ve seen her a couple of times since. Every time I tell myself that it’s not fair or it’s not what I want, I seek her out. I keep finding ways to see her, and touch her, and I just . . . Hell, I don’t know what I want.”

“Don’t you?” Rita stared at him intensely before leaning forward. “Sitting here in this room once a week, Dean, I’ve gotten to know you. I knew that you were hiding something from me, but I want to share a couple things I’ve learned about you.

“You are not a coward. You were in shock, caught off guard by a violent and traumatic situation. Very few people would have reacted any differently, and from the reports I’ve read, there was nothing you could have done to save them. I know you won’t believe that, but it’s true.

“But I also understand that you are proud. Your father and a long line of grandfathers and uncles all served in the military. And I think that you’re worried about how your father will feel if you get stuck behind a desk. Because it happened to him.”

Dean remembered telling Rita about his dad, how he’d gotten orders to serve in Vietnam. His friend in basic had gotten a cushy job in New York. He’d begged his father to switch so he could see some action, and his dad had traded. He’d never told Dean that story, but Dean had overheard his parents talking about it one night. His dad had never wanted to go to war but hadn’t wanted anyone to think he was a coward. He’d been relieved for the switch.

“You think I resent my father and that I’ve been trying to prove I’m better than him?”

“I didn’t say that, but do you? When you think about what happened that day, do you compare yourself to him not wanting to go to war?”

Dean answered automatically. “No, I never hesitated. From the minute I signed up, I wanted to serve my country wherever they needed me.”

“And this woman you can’t seem to stay away from, does she need you?”

Dean laughed a little at the absurdity of the question. “Actually, she’s told me over and over that she doesn’t and that I’d just complicate her life.”

“And what do you think?” she asked.

Dean thought about Violet hiding her tear-filled eyes from him. He pictured her run-down house and the way she had fought to keep him from helping her. How every time he’d held her, she’d melted the tiniest bit against him before steeling herself.

“I think she’s afraid of needing me,” he said.

“And how about you? Are you afraid of needing her, too? Maybe that’s why you keep telling her you don’t want to get involved.” Turning the page on her yellow tablet, she started writing. “I’m going to give you a homework assignment. Two actually. The first is, I want you to take home these three questions and over the next week, really think about your answers.” She ripped off the sheet and handed it to him as she stood and went to her large cabinet. She pulled a book from inside and handed it to him. It was one of those composition books with a black and white cover. “And I want you to write down every time you are feeling too anxious to sleep or you wake up from a nightmare. I’m also going to prescribe you something that should help you sleep better, but it is really important that moving forward we have complete honesty between us. All right?”

Dean read over the three questions she’d given him.

When I see myself in five years, how does my life look?

What do I need to do to be the best version of myself?

Name three things that make me happy.

“Dean?” His head jerked up as he realized that Rita had been talking to him.

“Yeah?”

“Do we have an understanding?” she asked.

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